Thursday, May 27

Four very longgggggggggggggggg Days

So here it is 1:45 in the morning and I am taking a few minutes to gather my mind and prepare myself for the day tomorrow. My dad is at his conference and I am on mom duty. The moon is almost full and it is evident by the way my mother is acting. Having dad leave is definitely affecting (or is it with an e) how she is acting. When Dad left this morning, mom was relatively pleasant and serene. By 5:30, she was still ok. I came up with Kenzie in tow to her house at 6 with dinner (lasagna-she loves the frozen kind but thinks I made it). We ate with her and Kenzie wanted to take a bath then swim then bathe again. Finally Kenzie and Gigi's movie night commenced at 7:30. Their time went well except when my mother decided to tell her that her brain is dying and she will be dead in a year. She told Kenzie that she eventually won't know her or be able to talk. I walk in on this conversation and am praying that God will give me the wisdom on what to tell my soon to be four year old. We have a very long talk about death and Gigi's situation-such an adult conversation for such a little girl. Amazingly, she asks Gigi to save us a spot up there until we are old. I explained to her that death is only the first adventure. After our death, we have life-a life without pain, suffering, anger, sadness. A life full of love and happiness with our Lord and Jesus. That those that believe it will happen will be there together; therefore it is important to let those that we love know what we believe so that they may believe it too. I must say I have one special little girl. She loves my mother so much despite all the strange antics and says the most amazing things. She encourages, challenges, and sympathizes with my mother throughout all the tears and screams.
So movie is over and we decide to get ready for bed. My daughter picks out the books (it is now 10:00) and I start to read. I watch my mother as she is slowly, ever so slowly, moving one of the books that Kenzie picked out. I see her move it until it is behind her back and she tries to drop it to the ground. I am chuckling inside until the next moment. Kenzie finishes the book and is looking for the book that Gigi has now hidden. My mother does not want her to have the book because it is hers and she is trying to figure out a way to keep it hidden. She decides that she will try to read it to her and goes to get her glasses. Kenzie does not want her to read because she knows that Gigi cannot read a book. My mother tries and of course cannot. So can anyone guess what happened next? Anyone? You guessed it-complete melt down. She starts to cry and scream runs out of the room and into her room. IT is 10:30 at night, my little girl is exhausted, I am tired and Gigi is in her room going crazy. The funny thing is Kenzie and I don't miss a beat. Despite hearing her wails, we continue on. We finish the third book, I kiss my little one good night and explain that I need to go deal with Gigi. She tells me to come back when we finish and tell her she loves her (What a girl). I go to my mom and she is so upset with me. She hates me, I stole her life, I stole her things, I do what she did to be her, I should not have read her book to Kenzie, Go home. I explain to her that Kenzie will think it is her fault if we leave now and would she really want Kenzie to feel that way. I apologize for reading the book and promise to bring my own the next time. I understand her pain-here she is wanting to read to her granddaughter the way she read to us and she cannot. Not only that but her granddaughter knows she cannot. My mother is so aware of her condition and her shortfalls. She never forgets that this disease is taking bit by bit away. I can handle everything but that. I leave the room, cleanup the kitchen, do some laundry, and she comes back to apologize. Thirty minutes of screams, tears, anger, and frustration and all is ok for now. Kenzie falls asleep mom and I go to watch our movie but first she wants to look for a bug collection for Kenzie's birthday. I search ebay and find a few. Then to the movie. Watching a movie is getting worse. She does not stop talking but her speech is so jumbled I have no idea what she is talking about. She tells me about talking to one of her brothers, how another brother has forgotten her, her best friend called. She tells me about the credit cards that Obama is taking away, all the home repair jobs he is removing so that no one will have jobs. She talks about the oil spill and Sarah palin's poor situation with the new neighbor. She tells me of the mosque next to the towers -pretty much whatever Fox news has stated. Listening to her, I feel that pretty soon Obama will take my money, my house, my job, my insurance, my husband, kids, possessions and I will be in a little box with one gold nugget. I will not be able to say the word God, to go to church because churches will be gone, or that I will be able to do to the doctors. She rambles the entire time, cries twice, yells three times that I am stupid and do nothing for her, apologizes twenty times and tells me I do everything for her, and so much stuff that I cannot begin to recant everything. At 1:30 she thinks maybe I could dye her hair and decides against it. She talks another ten minutes and decides abruptly that I must go to get some sleep. Oh my what a night. Here is the kicker (and right now I lift the ban on sympathy pleas) tomorrow I get up at 7:00-home to my house to pick up Connor, off to one client to set up a emergency cell phone for her, to my grandmothers to visit, run to the school to observe a student for my class, pick up our newly graduating senior to visit, grocery for corn beef dinner for my mom (yes Kevin, mom changed her mind and came up with this one all by herself-exact words tomorrow I want that thing that you do. That stuff that you pick pick pick with that stuff I like. It takes me two minutes to realize she is talking about food. I try and guess the staple Kim's Kitchen items until she gestures with her hands a certain motion that she does when she eats corn beef. Ah I say Corn beef-did she not hate this like two weeks ago) meet with another friend to help him with his son's social security, and rest for two minutes. Then run over to mom's with Kevin to dye her hair and home to the house to type up a report for school. I so hope this conference is worth all this :). Dad you better come home rested and happy is all I can say.

UPDATE: so last night I made it to bed at 3 (by the time Mom stopped coming to tell me stuff) I realized that those pain pills she takes occasionally makes her ramble and wide eyed. At four thirty I am dreaming of someone yelling and crying, but then wake up and realize it is no dream. My mother has become lost in her room. When she goes to bed she turns off a lamp and uses a flashlight to get to her bed and lays down. Well she missed the bed and fell on the floor knocking her bottle of water all over her. She got water everywhere. In the mist of this, she knocked over bottle two. I help her clean up and back to bed. I hear another scream and I go in. She is feeling real bad about me being up but there on the floor is another fallen bottle of water. Time to clean up and dry her socks. Ten minutes later back to bed. Guess who is awake-Kenzie. Off to the bathroom and back to bed. A few minutes of silliness and we are asleep...until 6:00 which is when my daughter decides it is time to wake up. After forty minutes I have convinced her to fall back asleep. I awake at 8 and head home. I am a walking zombie, so very very tired. I believe I will readjust my schedule if I can.


Lisa said...

Oh Kim, how much compassion I feel for you and your mom, whom you know I adore (always have). This made me cry for you so much. You are amazing! Your cousin, L.

Anonymous said...

You said the thing that was the hardest to take was that she knew she was getting worse.

The good news is this too will pass.
The bad news is this too will pass.

It is what it is.

Starling (your dad knows me)

Kimberly said...

What is weird Starling is that considering what she is not able to do, she should not be able to remember as well as she can. She can barely control her body-she cannot unscrew lids, she cannot pour a drink, she cannot shut screen doors, stepping down is difficult, rising out of a sitting position is hard, she cannot dress herself at all or even brush her hair. Her swallowing reflex is going and even her inconstinence is getting worse. It seems as though her memory is maintaining itself. Occasionally when she has a bad day, she does not remember parts of the day but still...

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