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Thursday, May 27

Four very longgggggggggggggggg Days

So here it is 1:45 in the morning and I am taking a few minutes to gather my mind and prepare myself for the day tomorrow. My dad is at his conference and I am on mom duty. The moon is almost full and it is evident by the way my mother is acting. Having dad leave is definitely affecting (or is it with an e) how she is acting. When Dad left this morning, mom was relatively pleasant and serene. By 5:30, she was still ok. I came up with Kenzie in tow to her house at 6 with dinner (lasagna-she loves the frozen kind but thinks I made it). We ate with her and Kenzie wanted to take a bath then swim then bathe again. Finally Kenzie and Gigi's movie night commenced at 7:30. Their time went well except when my mother decided to tell her that her brain is dying and she will be dead in a year. She told Kenzie that she eventually won't know her or be able to talk. I walk in on this conversation and am praying that God will give me the wisdom on what to tell my soon to be four year old. We have a very long talk about death and Gigi's situation-such an adult conversation for such a little girl. Amazingly, she asks Gigi to save us a spot up there until we are old. I explained to her that death is only the first adventure. After our death, we have life-a life without pain, suffering, anger, sadness. A life full of love and happiness with our Lord and Jesus. That those that believe it will happen will be there together; therefore it is important to let those that we love know what we believe so that they may believe it too. I must say I have one special little girl. She loves my mother so much despite all the strange antics and says the most amazing things. She encourages, challenges, and sympathizes with my mother throughout all the tears and screams.
So movie is over and we decide to get ready for bed. My daughter picks out the books (it is now 10:00) and I start to read. I watch my mother as she is slowly, ever so slowly, moving one of the books that Kenzie picked out. I see her move it until it is behind her back and she tries to drop it to the ground. I am chuckling inside until the next moment. Kenzie finishes the book and is looking for the book that Gigi has now hidden. My mother does not want her to have the book because it is hers and she is trying to figure out a way to keep it hidden. She decides that she will try to read it to her and goes to get her glasses. Kenzie does not want her to read because she knows that Gigi cannot read a book. My mother tries and of course cannot. So can anyone guess what happened next? Anyone? You guessed it-complete melt down. She starts to cry and scream runs out of the room and into her room. IT is 10:30 at night, my little girl is exhausted, I am tired and Gigi is in her room going crazy. The funny thing is Kenzie and I don't miss a beat. Despite hearing her wails, we continue on. We finish the third book, I kiss my little one good night and explain that I need to go deal with Gigi. She tells me to come back when we finish and tell her she loves her (What a girl). I go to my mom and she is so upset with me. She hates me, I stole her life, I stole her things, I do what she did to be her, I should not have read her book to Kenzie, Go home. I explain to her that Kenzie will think it is her fault if we leave now and would she really want Kenzie to feel that way. I apologize for reading the book and promise to bring my own the next time. I understand her pain-here she is wanting to read to her granddaughter the way she read to us and she cannot. Not only that but her granddaughter knows she cannot. My mother is so aware of her condition and her shortfalls. She never forgets that this disease is taking bit by bit away. I can handle everything but that. I leave the room, cleanup the kitchen, do some laundry, and she comes back to apologize. Thirty minutes of screams, tears, anger, and frustration and all is ok for now. Kenzie falls asleep mom and I go to watch our movie but first she wants to look for a bug collection for Kenzie's birthday. I search ebay and find a few. Then to the movie. Watching a movie is getting worse. She does not stop talking but her speech is so jumbled I have no idea what she is talking about. She tells me about talking to one of her brothers, how another brother has forgotten her, her best friend called. She tells me about the credit cards that Obama is taking away, all the home repair jobs he is removing so that no one will have jobs. She talks about the oil spill and Sarah palin's poor situation with the new neighbor. She tells me of the mosque next to the towers -pretty much whatever Fox news has stated. Listening to her, I feel that pretty soon Obama will take my money, my house, my job, my insurance, my husband, kids, possessions and I will be in a little box with one gold nugget. I will not be able to say the word God, to go to church because churches will be gone, or that I will be able to do to the doctors. She rambles the entire time, cries twice, yells three times that I am stupid and do nothing for her, apologizes twenty times and tells me I do everything for her, and so much stuff that I cannot begin to recant everything. At 1:30 she thinks maybe I could dye her hair and decides against it. She talks another ten minutes and decides abruptly that I must go to get some sleep. Oh my what a night. Here is the kicker (and right now I lift the ban on sympathy pleas) tomorrow I get up at 7:00-home to my house to pick up Connor, off to one client to set up a emergency cell phone for her, to my grandmothers to visit, run to the school to observe a student for my class, pick up our newly graduating senior to visit, grocery for corn beef dinner for my mom (yes Kevin, mom changed her mind and came up with this one all by herself-exact words tomorrow I want that thing that you do. That stuff that you pick pick pick with that stuff I like. It takes me two minutes to realize she is talking about food. I try and guess the staple Kim's Kitchen items until she gestures with her hands a certain motion that she does when she eats corn beef. Ah I say Corn beef-did she not hate this like two weeks ago) meet with another friend to help him with his son's social security, and rest for two minutes. Then run over to mom's with Kevin to dye her hair and home to the house to type up a report for school. I so hope this conference is worth all this :). Dad you better come home rested and happy is all I can say.

UPDATE: so last night I made it to bed at 3 (by the time Mom stopped coming to tell me stuff) I realized that those pain pills she takes occasionally makes her ramble and wide eyed. At four thirty I am dreaming of someone yelling and crying, but then wake up and realize it is no dream. My mother has become lost in her room. When she goes to bed she turns off a lamp and uses a flashlight to get to her bed and lays down. Well she missed the bed and fell on the floor knocking her bottle of water all over her. She got water everywhere. In the mist of this, she knocked over bottle two. I help her clean up and back to bed. I hear another scream and I go in. She is feeling real bad about me being up but there on the floor is another fallen bottle of water. Time to clean up and dry her socks. Ten minutes later back to bed. Guess who is awake-Kenzie. Off to the bathroom and back to bed. A few minutes of silliness and we are asleep...until 6:00 which is when my daughter decides it is time to wake up. After forty minutes I have convinced her to fall back asleep. I awake at 8 and head home. I am a walking zombie, so very very tired. I believe I will readjust my schedule if I can.

Tuesday, May 25

It is almost two in the morning and I have completed my school work for the night. My mind is on hyper drive so I figured why not write for a few minutes before retiring for the night. I have to say that having my Dad at the house has eased my burden significantly. I can only imagine the difficulty in being there each night, but at this point in my mother's life, she needs it. What a gift my dad is giving his children and his wife. How many men can say that despite the tough times, they stuck it out and served their wife until the end. God has given my father a chance to be selfless and loving to another and while it is a challenge, at the end, my dad will feel the full benefits and rewards for being a true husband and father. Thank you Dad for giving me back my family and time to develop memories of my own.

Movie night this week was fantastic: Mom was so elated with the shelves that we found at movie store that she was a giddy child all weekend. The movie store around here was closing and considering my mother's passion for all movies, I stopped in. While the selection was horrible, the store was selling all of its shelving for bare minimum. My husband has tried for over two months to come over there to cut the shelves to fit into a cabinet for her movies to fit on, yet each time he had arranged to come up, something happened. I talked Dad into buying them and putting them up in the back room. When I came up on Friday, I helped arrange the room while mom was taking a bath. I would run out of the bathroom in search of clothes, towels, shampoo, and quickly rearrange a piece of furniture that Dad had set up. By the time she was clean, the room was complete. She was so ooooo happy since she now had her own "movie store" She enjoyed looking at the shelves and picking out a movie to watch. She actually had the biggest smile and could not stop laughing. It carried over throughout the weekend. While I enjoy her happy times, I can never stop reminding myself that it can be over in a minute. And Bam Sunday afternoon hit all because of pepper. Dad happened to put pepper on her squash and she lost it. Chasing him around with sweet tea and dousing him with it, throwing her food on the floor, screaming cruel statements of hate, and crying uncontrollably are just a tiny tidbit of her behavior for about the next three hours. I talked with mom as Dad left to help her calm down. It worked and half hour later Dad apologizes and brings her home chocolates and she is back to being ok for now.

Keep us in your prayers this week. Dad heads out for a "conference" and my brother and I will be on standby. Now that Dad has moved in, mom is afraid to be alone at night. So Wed afternoon and night & Fri night I will sleep there with my daughter and Kevin takes the Thursday day and night shift. I don't know if he will sleep there or not, most of it depends on my mother and whether she will let him.
It is a full moon this week so I am anticipating a rough few days coming up. We shall see. And no I did not get to watch a good film this Friday. I had to watch Mistress of Spice (what a strange movie-even stranger is that she liked it at one time-not anymore thankfully) Mistress of spice you have been officially retired from my mother's library.
I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY MOTHER WON HER CASE.

Friday, May 21

Very fast update-not such a emotional day for me today and I am feeling so much better. There sometimes is nothing greater than a really long vent. Since I don't like to burden others with my problems, my blog is the best way for me to vent. Then at least the people I am "venting" so to speak to are interested and wanting to hear it. Yesterday seemed like a difficult day and it always sounds worse when you are in that frame of mind. It seems especially worse when it is in written form as well. No tears today-in fact a little bit of laughter, many smiles, and adventures with the children. Movie night is tonight and I am ready. Hopefully I can convince her to watch Ocen 11 or mayb even avatar.

Thursday, May 20

Even stoics cry


With the start of a new semester, I have been so busy that I have neglected my blog. Here is how the past two weeks went. At the end of the last semester, I had a rather difficult time with one of my classes. I was so ecstatic to be finished and on the day that grades were due, I got an email from my professor stating that I uploaded the wrong assignment. I ended up with an I in the class until I could resubmit the info. After I submitted it, I received another email stating that I did not do the entire assignment. It seems that I only administered a formal assessment and not an informal assessment as well. After visiting three schools and having no luck at procuring an informal assessment, I had to quickly order an IRI book. I was able to complete the testing, analyze it, write it up, and upload it. Today, I received my final grade, an A-. So I am still summa cum laude.
One of our Tree Frogs who loves our garden

I had a week break from school in which my cousin and his girlfriend came to visit. We had an enjoyable time getting reacquainted and I cannot believe how pure and sweet both of their hearts were. I envy their ability to float from place to place without letting life worry them-they have traveled over 1000 miles on foot or with a thumb. Although I could never do it-I would be terrified- it helps that he is a professional Ultimate fighter and can defend himself and his girlfriend if need be. They reminded me of my brother and husband at that age and it was nice to remember the past.
My cousin, his girlfriend, & Kenzie
Summer semester started faster than I was ready for and I was so excited to get my grants and scholarships. Would you believe they never came? I was quite perplexed and absolutely terrified because without them, we would have been in big trouble. I found out after the drop and add period was over that I did not register for enough classes to allow me to be awarded my money. Not only was I out quite a bit of money, but I could not afford the class I was enrolled it which is needed for me to graduate. If I did not pay by this Friday, I would be dropped. I contacted my dean and she responded that she was sorry but the other classes were only 6 week classes and it was too late to be added. I asked again what could be done, if anything at all could be done. I contacted another professor and begged to be added in her class. She agreed. :) Her secretary then told me to come by the office and fill out a slip to bring to the registrars office. Hmmmmmm I live about 6 hours away and in my mind I am starting to think this is not going to pan out. The secretary helped me out and gets the class sent to the office for processing. Hooray I now have enough credits to receive my money. Bad news is that I am one week behind a very interesting but challenging class. Ah fun times ahead.
Connor & Kenzie (last picture is a nice football hold???)
So here I am enrolled, taking classes, and not doing rather well today (or yesterday). This stoic is about to let loose and hopefully release some frustration?sadness? confusion? I am tired today-emotional and drained. I am unsure if it has anything to do with my mother especially since my father has moved back in and I am not having to do as much. In fact, I cooked dinner for them tonight because I know it can not be easy for Dad to have to cook after working all day and taking care of mom when she is in a nasty mood. Yesterday I took her with me to watch Mackenzie in swimming and I almost lost it. She kept telling me how horrible I was to make her finish swimming. Kenzie wanted swimming, I enrolled her in a month session. After one class, she wanted to quit. I told her she did not have to re enroll but she must finish what she started. Because of her tears, my mother was very nasty to me. She complained about the instructor (loud enough for the woman to hear her call her a b*****) She yelled at the instructor at one point because the instructor was teaching Kenzie. It was very hard on me to make Kenzie do it and even harder having my mother telling me how evil I was. A slight digression but back to Dad. I can imagine how hard it is to stay nice when she is being mean. Today I did yell at her which I felt bad. I brought up pistachio encrusted chicken with twice baked mashed potatoes, and sauteed green beans and my children were crazy. It was the witching hour of 6 o'clock and for some reason that is the time when my two little ones are nuts. Picture: pouring drinks, drinks spilling, dog running around, boy knocking over water,girl hitting boy, boy crying, two kids ru the bedroom to open up more drawers, shutting doors, opening doors, running again, yelling. You get the idea. The reason-THEY KNOW I cannot tell them to stop without my mom getting mad at me. However, I risk it this time and tell them to stop. My mom gets very upset and starts in on me. I finally said in a rather forceful voice "The reason they are acting like this is because they know I cannot say anything without having to justify myself to yonning, my mom trying to show me something, girl jumping up and down yelling, boy running away, girl opening doors getting food, boy getting food, both running back tou. So while I am sitting her telling you why, they go to do more-let me raise my children the way that I know how". I tell her I am tired of her making me feel like such an awful mom and she needs to let me do what I need to do with my kids. She is upset because she thinks I only discipline Kenzie and let Connor do whatever he wants. She gets very distraught and upset and I decided to leave. When I get home she has apologized. I end up traveling back up there to give her medicine for a burn and spent another hour with her and Kenzie.
My Garden pic1 tomatos, pic 2 pole beans, pic 3 cantaloupe and watermelon
I am now exhausted beyond belief-I feel like a zombie. Monday-Client with two kids in the morning, swimming and mom's in the afternoon. Tuesday-client two for groceries with two kids, school work, billing, hair collection information (more in a minute on this one). Wednesday-swimming with Gigi from 4:15-7:00 Thursday-school, observations for school, grocery, mom''s twice. Tomorrow-hair collecting from 11 salons and groomers then movie night. Saturday-visiting two clients and great grandma. Sunday-Church. Last night I received 2 1/2 hours of sleep because of the amount of school work I had on top of business and billing. My newest endeavor is this hair collection idea. To my best friend: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I love you but why did I decide to do this??? Oh yeah to help those little critters in the gulf. Starting tomorrow, I will be visiting 11 different salons and groomers to collect their hair for the week and ship it to Matters of Trust. I encourage everyone to sign up with them and try to get hair donated for the oil spill booms. Little does my dad know that his equipment garage is going to store some hair for a day or two hehehehe.

WARNING: STOIC UNLOADING EMOTIONAL STRUGGLES STARTING NOW
I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. Each breath I take is a struggle and there are moments in the day when I feel unable to get enough air. The weight is overbearing today and I feel totally defeated. I know that I need to let God bear the weight with me but is seems difficult. I question so many things today since nothing is making sense and wish just for a day I could feel free and actually find fifteen minutes to clear my mind and relax. I find myself getting angry at God, at my life, at my situation and realize that this is not beneficial for me. I feel so out of control-which for me is not a pleasant feeling. Mostly I want to do so much more and cannot find the minutes to do it. I fear my future-I feel my place is besides my children raising them and helping my mother; I cannot imagine having to go to work with the amount of things I have to do. I cannot imagine having to visit the two elderly ladies, my grandmother, my mother, run the non-profit business, make the phone contacts, write the grant, create the publications, organize clients information, schedule meetings, cook dinner for mom and kids, clean the house, manage the garden, study for school, and go to work.
I support my husband, but am having a difficult time living on faith alone. He is such an amazing example of letting God take care of us and being content with what we have. He knows that we are where we are supposed to be-that God's plan is working out the way He wants it to. I am so unsure of what I am supposed to do, of what God wants. Sometimes I feel that I am not able to wait for God to reveal His will. . I am not one to ask for much so I often find it ironic that God has called us to do this. How are two people that hate to ask people for money going to raise funds for our dear clients and for us. It has been over a year and a half since I have been able to go into a store and by an outfit that I like for my little girl (pity party for me-almost over).
It is hard to live on next to nothing, not able to take a family vacation because all our money goes to everyone else. I feel bad because our choices not only affect my children but also my mother-in-law. She provides so much for our children and each time she does something, I feel so guilty. I cried so much today, partly because I feel selfish in wanting, and partly because of the stress. There are days when I just want normalcy-my mom the way she was; my husband working 9-5 instead of these odd hours 6 days a week; money in savings and ability to afford a ski trip or clothing/home decors/or other random items; a chance to breath freely; get a manicure hair styled or massage; spend time as a family with my husband, children, dad, brother, and mom in a festive mood. I feel that I am being pulled in too many ways and just want a relief. This non-profit is the most challenging adventure I have ever taken. There are so many that need our help and we just don't have the money to help them. I think that is the worst feeling of it all. I feel like I am letting them down-I have no idea how to do this-to get money to get funding. I wrote a grant and am fearful of submitting it and the amount of work it will require of us. We aim to keep at least 2/3 of all funding to be spent on our clients which leaves us with 1/3 to manage payroll, business expenses, accountant fees, publications, fundraising, etc. That does not leave much for us to get a person to help with the business end. I do not think I am strong enough for anymore....Please be praying that tomorrow I wake up feeling renewed, refreshed, and not so perplexed. Please don't pity me, don't worry about me, or express sympathy-I will be myself in a day or so and things will be perfectly fine and I will skip through my life with a real smile on my face. Today, however, I feel pain and sorrow. I let my stoic guard down and embrace such raw emotion with a fury of feeling and allow the release of tension to flow out. I pray for God's arms to wrap around me tonight and lull me to sleep.

Wednesday, May 12

Family visits

After a couple of days away from my blog, I am back and ready to record the last few days. I has been an interesting few days to say the least. Starting on Sunday, I became antichild. I have not had the luxury of being antichild in quite some time now and the funny part is how I can to be this antichild.
My mother is having a much more difficult time with managing the tv and movies. While I was there on Friday, I managed to enable the zoom button for her during our movie. She tried to mimic the same thing on Sunday but evidently hit the wrong button. She called me as frantic as could be and I tried to walk her through it. Some how during the conversation, she forgot that she called because the tv was not displaying the movie and believed that I had changed it while talking to her. I tried to explain that it was not possible since I was at home, but she was relentless in her anger. She decided that I was bad and ended up hanging up on me. Ironically, up until this moment, she was upset with my father for "coming into the house while she slept and moving stuff around". Now, she was ok with my father and started to talk with him again. This gave me three days off from her which was fairly welcomed, but slightly frustrating because I still worry. I finally decided to let her know that my cousin Jonathan and his girlfriend Jess were coming to visit. As a younger woman, my mother would have Jonathan and his sister stay with him for awhile. She loved them almost (or maybe more than)as much as my brother and I. She was terrified for a little while but than forgave me in an instant and called over ten times to discuss when they would be arriving. Tuesday was the craziest day because mom was such a rambled mess. Poor Kevin had a time with her since it was his movie day. She misplaced some money and was neurotic looking for it. Finally Kevin and I decided to say that Kevin borrowed it and had not paid her back. Now on Monday, I must hunt for the missing money...
Well today was the day that my cousin visited my mother. She came down to my brother's house and had an ok visit. She had difficulty crossing the road and was very very distracted at my house. The plan was for all of us to go up to my mothers and eat/swim/be merry. At first she was very nervous-putting my dad through some craziness (he was the lucky fellow that had to take her home and help her clean up the house before everyone got there). I arrived next with the two little ones and she was very frazzled. Dad informed me that he had taken her weight and it is now 96 lbs. She is losing about 2 or 3 lbs a week now since she will eat hardly anything we cook her. I helped tidy up a bit and then they arrived. She was very tired at this point and had the vacant stare going. As we put in a home movie of my cousin, she wanted me to record it on dvd for him but got very upset and ran into her room when I rewound the movie. Kevin coaxed her out and I had left the room. It seems that mom cannot stand for me to have any attention. When a movie of her in my cheerleading outfit came on she wanted me to stop it. The movie played and it turned into me in my cheerleading outfit. She got upset and said that I wanted the attention ???She got upset because she had me rewind and fast forward the movie but then got upset because I was running everything. If I talked to my cousin, she got mad. If my daughter wanted me, she got mad. I tell you the list of things I cannot do is growing: Cannot sing, discipline, talk, clean, run the remote, or exist when anyone else is around...
Here is the heart warming spot: I am now in the pool so I can avoid any more problems and letting Dad and Kevin handle mom. Everyone decides to go in the pool with us and mom starts walking into the pool in her clothing. She actually swam with us for about an hour. Better than that-she laughed and had fun. Really had fun. It was very sad to see because the way she moved, laughed, showed emotion, and talked had a vague resemblance to so many of the children I had taught. She acted as though her IQ was below 65. It was difficult and wonderful to watch-I have no way to describe it. Even better, my three year old swam-I mean really swam. She enjoyed it too which is saying a lot. At one point my mother wanted her to swim to her but she could not figure out how to catch Kenzie. When Kenzie came near her, she would go under the water like Kenzie would. Luckily, I would put my hand under Kenzie and raise her up out of the water waiting for my mother to come up as well so she could hold Kenzie. She kept saying that Kenzie was pushing her under, but sadly, Kenzie was no where near her when she would go under. It seemed that because Kenzie was under the water (new swimmer) my mom thought she had to too? It all ended when my son decided that enough was enough and started tainting the water with some brown liquid. Did you know that those swimmer diapers do not work so well. We all vacated the pool and mom was very distraught. I got her dried and in clothes then got to my children who were happily swimming again. The best part is the pool has the salt water system and my mom is now clean-well until my son's contribution to the pool.

Saturday, May 8

Our hearing


We went to court on Friday-yesterday and I expected the worst. My brother and I left at 10:30 in the morning to head up to my mother's house. She was in an uproar because we were late by her standards-she had forgotten that she wanted to sleep in late. She was completely distracted jumping from one thing to another. Getting her dressed was a major feat-she simply could not pay attention long enough to put anything on. We finally left at 11:30-Dad, Kev, Mom and I. I do not remember the last time the four of us got together for a road trip. I am sure it was before I got married. So at least 9 years. In the past, our road trips were notorious for Mom freaking out. In fact, my brother and I hated family vacations because we knew it was only a matter of time before my mother went ballistic. I will say for the first time in my life, the trip was actually the best one we had. funny huh? The drive up there was prep time for mom to gain an understanding of what I was going to say. She was very open to most of what I had written (I sorta kept the parts she would not like hidden). Our plan was to eat lunch first, but by the time we reached the court house, it was too late for us to sit and actually enjoy the meal. So we went to the social security court room and reviewed our file. Boy was I nervous.
After a small wait, we were ready to begin. I was allowed in with my mother to talk for her and Kevin was allowed in just in case she lost it. The judge began with my mother asking her name-my mother had a hard time telling her the last name and her age. She was very nervous and could not follow what was going on. The judge then asked me to talk for her and answer questions which my mother did not like. After about ten minutes, somehow (a true miracle) my mother thought she was finished and decided to leave the room. I was able to talk freely from this point on and hopefully nailed it. The judge commented on how frustrating it must be for my mother to live inside of her brain and how hard it must be for me. She mentioned that she needed medical proof that mom was disabled, so I started nailing every medical record in her report that my father so graciously sent to her. It was worth all those hours gathering evidence and studying them. I referred her to one record after another demonstrating anxiety, confusion, judgement issues, other disorders that were prereqs for Alzheimer's. After about forty minutes, I left and my dad took over. I am sure he did a terrific job correlating the symptoms to the stages of Alzheimer's . I believe that the hardest job went to Kevin though for he had to be with mom the entire time-keeping her happy. What a great team-the three musketeers. The best part of it all was the end with the vocational therapist. After reviewing the medical reports, the therapist agreed that mom could not have held any job from 2003. I love that woman!!


We left the hearing and went to dinner at the Olive Garden. It was the best meal I have ever had with my family. Everyone was so happy and so positive. Mom was smiling from ear to ear and cracking smiles left and right. Dad and Kevin were having a great time chitchatting. I was loving the ambiance and the overwhelming feeling of love. I will recreate that night many times over-what a fantastic memory that I will always have. Thank you Dad, Kevin, and Mom.
Now you really did not think that we would make it the entire day without something happening did you? What a fun ride home let me tell you. Everything was going rather ok until the dreaded smell of automobiles. Mom lost it. Luckily Kevin held down the button to keep the door locks. Mom was screaming and punching the glass on the window. She kicked the door, banged her head on the window, kicked the seat ahead of her, and basically freaked out. Then it passed until we headed into a rural area and the smell of grass infiltrated the car. Again with the freak out. Complete and utter screaming and ranting hyperventilating mess. The strangest thing was as fast as it came on, it was over and then poor dear Kevin.


Out of her mouth literally ten seconds after freaking out-Kevin you need you hmm you better Kevin, you need need to be um why don't you be a Christan. You get baptised. You have Muslims worshiping Buddha and doing things you have all -don't you realize we are hated-don't you wonder why christains are hated. In Israel there are three three of those three black christian Jews that the Bible predicts and it is coming true. I was literally biting my hand to keep me from losing it. I had tears streaming down my face. If my brother had turned to look at me, I would have busted out in laughter. Dad kept looking into the mirror and was laughing at me. Finally after about 10 minutes, I composed myself enough to tell her that she was over doing it. She put her bottle up to her head and I said what are you baptising yourself? She started laughing uncontrollably which allowed me to finally laugh. Then two seconds later, it started to rain and I said that she was getting her wish, that Kevin was being baptised. Ah the laughter that filled the car-what a great way to end the day. But the day was not ended for me-they dropped me off, I said hi love you night night to my children and on to movie night with mom.
Tonight's movie-My best friends wedding. The night went well and we had fun. I actually left by 11:30-Wonderful you say-ah you get to go home and relax. I had this brilliant idea to say hi to my dad and thank him for a great day. Well I spent about 1/2 hour with him and Grandma-she was sad and just wanted some attention. As I am heading home, my mother called and she cannot find her pills. back up to my mother's to look for her new prescription. Finally at 1:15, we find her pills in the sheets of her bed (which I had looked at twice). I head home exhausted but thankful the hearing is over.

Thursday, May 6

Tomorrow is the day if she will go.....

So yesterday was our follow up with the Dr. and I must say what a wonderful office. The staff and Dr are so patient and understanding. Before the visit, for about 45 minutes, my mother was on a roll. I used my hubby's MP3 Player to bring it to you live. The first one she is yelling at God and the second one she is yelling at me. She had to spit and after spitting on the van, I mentioned that it was not sanitary to do that with my little ones in the car. She wanted me to stop in the middle of traffic since she had opened the door of the van so that she could spit out of the van. Trying to keep her from getting out was the worry going through my head. Luckily, we made it to the stop light and it was red. The day was absolutely discombobulating. -Revisision-cannot get them to upload and will add them later.
My brother can over to watch the kids at 2:15. I helped get my mom ready for her 3:00 apt. We made it there five minutes late (do not want to describe the pandemonium of her getting read,but I will say that she is now minus eyebrows...)She calms down while we are waiting and there was the most wonderful lady there that talked with my mother the entire time. What an angel. I really wish I had gotten her name so I could do something for her. She really talked to her and listened to her. Wow. We made it back in the room around 4:40 and I am starting to get a little nervous because my daughter has swim at 5:15. My mom decides that it would be ok for my dad to come and take her home so that Kevin can go get ready for his night with her. When he shows up, she gets upset because she thought I would stay and then she would leave with my dad. I end up exchanging keys with my dad and telling him in the quickest way possible how to get two kids ready for swimming. hahahah poor dad. He called me on the way there and I hear my daughter screaming hysterically because she does not want to go under the water. Ah well. Back to the office. My mom is basically alright but does need an MRI due to something on the mammogram. Whether or not we do it we shall see. After the visit, my mother becomes hysterical again and I have to leave her at her house as she is throwing her purse against the wall, knocking over the globe, and pushing stuff off of her dinning room table. I call my brother and tell him to get up there as fast as humanely possible. The night ended well-Thank you dear brother.
Today my dad had to bring her to the dentist to fit her teeth again. His day was not well I am sure for he had the same conversations I had yesterday (refer back to the audio if you need to). Right now I am about to head up there to convince her to go tomorrow. Yes, that's right, as it stands she is not going to her hearing tomorrow. Hmmmm send me your prayers.
On a totally separate issue and please forgive me if it comes off wrong. Originally when I started this blog, it was for a variety of reasons. I often felt astonished at what we were going through and searched to hear others going through what we did. My blog was for those searching as well. It also was for me to vent, to view and assess my mother's behaviors, to document for whatever purpose. The one thing I did not intend, which has become the issue, is for sympathy. Don't get me wrong, I love the prayers and encouragement, but I feel so uncomfortable when people praise me. I do what I have to do because there is no other way. I am no special person-just letting the Lord through me in my life and situations. I am know realizing that although there are only a few followers, there are many people reading this. I call a friend and she tells me my ears must be ringing because my name was discussed. I bump into three different people and they know what is going on in my life without me actually telling them. It was quite surreal to realize that. On one hand it is great-I no longer need to explain what is happening with my mother, but the down side is that everyone feels so bad for me. Yes my life is crazy, yes I do a lot, but overall, I am a very grateful person. I have a husband that supports me and my family. That despite this craziness,is still willing to help everyone that comes knocking on our door. I have the very best friend a girl could ask for that lets me bounce off everything on it. I have a profound relationship with my brother-walking this journey step by step together. I have a father that is committed to helping his wife even though she cuts him down with every word that comes out of her mouth. I am blessed to say I can go through this with her-some are taken before we can say goodbye-I get to say goodbye. And finally, I am shown on a daily basis that The Lord is present and alive-and in control. I am strong because of Him. Please continue to pray for this crazy family, but do not feel bad for us. We are blessed. Thank you all for everything you do and I will keep you posted on the decision tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 4

Oh my

Wow-what a longggggggggggggggggggggggggg night. And such a difficult night. I would not wish to replay the evening again for awhile but sadly I think it is the reality of nights to come. Yesterday was such a busy day for us and I believe it took a toll on my children, myself, and my hubby. The first half has been discussed and now for the second half.


So I ended up making the YMCA for swimming in which Mackenzie proceeded to scream the entire time. While the instructor informed me that she was able to swim the best, I could not completely enjoy the compliment considering the ruckus she made. The instructor mentioned that she may do better if I left (which she did not but at least I got to exercise) so I went and worked out in the gym. After swim, we rushed home, heated up supper, kissed Jason and Mackenzie and I were off to Gigi's. My mother was so upset and distracted. She bounced from one subject to the next and could not attend to the video. I tried to leave them alone and work on the garage. That did not work. My daughter was being quite stubborn and very sassy. She knows that I cannot talk to her with Gigi around and so she naturally acted out. I finally pulled her aside much to my mother's dismay and told her she would go home if she continued to be sassy and rude. My mother did not like me talking to her in such a way and became sad. Thankfully, Kenzie smartened up and became the sweetheart that she is until bedtime that is. Again at bedtime, Kenzie started testing me. Finally she fell asleep in my mother's arms and now it was my movie turn. The movie on the agenda for this night was The Holiday. Not quite as bad as some of the others but still a chick flick. Even worse is my mother has a grudge against Cameron Diaz and every time she showed up on the screen, my mother would yell at her "Oh shut up and go away" I hate you. Blah blah you whine. It was so humorous -I had to keep myself from laughing. She was very anxious about the hearing on Friday and wanted to know what it would be like. Literally every 3 or 4 minutes, she would ask if she should tell them this or that. She would ask questions about the hearing and what would happen. It is hard to prepare her for it since I am unsure of the process myself. I too am nervous about this hearing. I will be saying much that she will not want disclosed so the drive back should be interesting-you may get quite a laugh out of it on Saturday morning. Keep us in your prayers as we go to the Hearing. This will offer such a relief on my family if she is awarded her disability. I finally got to sleep at 3:30 in the morning and am very very tired tonight.

Monday, May 3

Modeling session






It is 1:00 and my day has been nonstop. It does not look any easier for the rest of the day. At least the babies are resting and I am able to catch my breath. I am on a definite routine starting today which allows me to get a lot done. I awake before the kids finally instead of with them. Even 1/2 hour before them gives me a chance
to get so many chores out of the way. Why the strict routine-well I am determined to go to the YMCA to work out every day to lose the baby weight from my second child. Today-Lower Body and 1/2 hour cardio while Kenzie takes swimming and Connor plays. I am so grateful that I received a scholarship-nothing like burning some calories to raise endorphins and release tension.
With the new routine, Breakfast was finished, lunch for hubby was packed, two loads of laundry finished, all bed's stripped, and compost pile started all before 9:00. By 9:30 we were on our way to Great Grandmas to say a quick hello, pick up a foam mattress pad from my dad, and let the kids run in the back. We only stayed a few minutes because she was not feeling so well. We resumed our travels to visit Ms. F and give her a pad for her bed since her back has acted up. We stayed longer than intended but that was ok. She enjoyed the energy of my two little ones. By 12:00 we were on our way back to the house for dinner and bed. So many phone calls from my mom. First she was very irate because "I lost her tweezers", then she was confused because she took all the blankets of all the beds and did not know what to do next. Then she was worried because there was the sound of water in her walls. She held the phone up and I was very worried that a pipe broke. She called back and had solved the problem but did not know how. Turns out it was the bathroom fan. She called again to tell me she found the tweezers. She called again to tell me that I will have to help clean up the blankets and was sorry. And now, the phone is silent, kids are asleep, and I am getting ready for round 2:Gym and swim, Dinner, then movie sleepover at Gigi's. Coffee will be my best friend today!!! And of course the Lord will provide the patience and strength for all.









Surprising thing last night: I was amazed at the insight my mother still possesses. Some how the topic of my friends came up and I was retelling a situation at which I was very bothered about. I mentioned how one of my friends has completely let me down; I had come to the conclusion that a true friend is one that cares enough to be involved in your life. With all that I have on my plate, I do not have time for games or for broken promises. I mentioned that I was thinking of writing a letter to express my feelings and break the friendship. To which my mother displayed such wisdom. Her advice was so sound and so mature, it took my breath away. It has been so long since I have shared any of my problems, my joys, my stories with my mom and I was not prepared for her understanding of the situation. It is moments like that I praise my Lord and say thank you! Something so simple, yet so important. God is mysterious in His ways, but He knows just what we need.

Saturday, May 1

It's time

My, it seems time travels so much quicker since starting this blog. I am so much more aware of everything going on in my life. Let me start by saying I received 2 A's and am so happy for it. It required quite a few very very late nights but I am still maintaining my 4.0 status. Not that it really matters in the field of education-can you see me telling the parents of my 3 and 4 year old student-Why yes, I have my masters in early childhood special education, my bachelors in k-12 special ed and I graduated summa cum laude. They would look at me like I am a crazy woman. I guess it is more of a personal acquisition than anything else.
Yesterday was movie night and bath night. I arrived with food and immediately she began to eat. She complained the entire time, but she did eat it. It was strange because she could not figure out to eat or bath so she stripped down and decided to eat. I am getting used to seeing my mother naked now-although when I think about it rationally, it is bizarre. I was able to capture the first half on video (before she was indecent) and if I can figure out how to upload a large file to my email, I will post it on her. She seems so much more confused and unsure of what is going on. She constantly asks what am I doing where was I going. I don't understand. I lost count of those phrases after 20.
Bath time was interesting...found out some interesting things. While it is getting easier to wash her and her hair, it is getting harder to get her in and out of the tub. Pretty soon, I will need to alter the bathroom to accommodate her. That will be difficult since she hates showers and wants to be completely immersed into the water. I left her for a minute so I could adjust the temperature for her when she got out. I noticed that it was set for heat at 72. The house was now 79. When I went back, she and I had the most unique conversation. She was talking and got distracted. She said it was hard to listen to my voice just like it is hard to sort out the other voices. WHAT???? I smile and ask her if she is hearing voices now. She said oh noooo this is later not now. I have a few people I talk to at night. I know they are not real but they are not scaring and I like talking to them. From what I was able to understand, she spends much of her night in conversation with these people, mostly woman but very nondescript. I tell her good for her, at least she is not lonely. What else could I say. In truth, at this point, if they are friendly and help her maintain some resemblance to normalcy, I say welcome. It was just very strange to think that she is seeing and hearing people that she knows are not there but are there just the same.
After bath, it took us quite a while to sort through her dvd's and vcr tapes. We are in the middle of converting all 500 vcrs to dvd's. (ok maybe not that many now but close to 100 I think). She chose the top 10 that she would like now and I ordered them through Ebay. She was completely aware of what she wanted but had such difficulty conveying the information. At 11, we decide to watch up close and personal but fifteen minutes into the movie, she changes it to She is all that. I guess I am doomed to watch these chic flicks forever.


While last night went relatively well, today was a completely different matter and will fill you in later tonight! All I can say is poor poor Dad- put one three year old, my mom, multiple choices and stimuli in an uncontrolled environment and you have one very tired and mentally exhausted man.






Boy when I wrote this I had no idea what was in store for us. My Dad had his hands full with the two-Kenzie and mom. I unfortunately woke mom up this morning which had a very bad effect. She was completely out of it and very distraught. Even more unfortunate was the fact that she could not fall back asleep. Since she was up, we decided to let Kenzie head over there with my father. At first things were going rather well. Mom and Kenzie were playing to their heart's content. Then somewhere, the idea of going to the pet store to buy my daughter a pet toy popped up. Even that went surprisingly ok. They walked up to the store and shopped. Since it was lunch, my father thought that it would be easier to take the two of them to the restaurant that was right there. First mistake. This restaurant is a buffet style serve yourself place. That means Dad has to get his, Kenzie's and mom's food. Mistake number 2. However, mom likes to get her own things. Picture this: My mother holding a serving spoon that is dripping with sauce and maneuvering up and down the aisles. She is into everything, tasting things with her hands, putting things back. She had lost any ability to maintain decorum in public and there are some pretty crazy stares directed her way. Somehow, they manage through dinner and they are back at the house. Dad and Kenzie go swimming and mom loses it even more. She decides it is time for Kenzie to go and ends up traveling with them to come back to my house. While here, it is decided that she will go visit my uncle and aunt who are in town. This means makeup and hair which I try to do between my daughter's pleading voice for juice, snacks, or whatever fancies her at this moment, my son's constant request to be picked up, and my mother who wants everything done but does not want to take the time for it. My brother comes over to visit with her and it is actually quite family like. All of a sudden mom freaks out because I have no make up. Really, I don't own anything but mascara and one eyeliner (both were hers...) She wants to put it on and the very brief clip is what ensues. The first clip is her moments before the other clip. videoShe was happy and posing one minute and trying to run across the road the second. I calm her down with the help of my daughter and off we go to her house to make her up. Kevin travels with dad and I have the kids and mom. The plan is to meet at my uncles. Things go ok from this point on-complete pandemonium, headache becoming severe, brain exhaustion. I did enjoy seeing both my uncles and am grateful that I get to be with family even if my crew is crazy. It is worth every headache and twitches to see my mother enjoying herself.
video
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