Thursday, May 20

Even stoics cry

With the start of a new semester, I have been so busy that I have neglected my blog. Here is how the past two weeks went. At the end of the last semester, I had a rather difficult time with one of my classes. I was so ecstatic to be finished and on the day that grades were due, I got an email from my professor stating that I uploaded the wrong assignment. I ended up with an I in the class until I could resubmit the info. After I submitted it, I received another email stating that I did not do the entire assignment. It seems that I only administered a formal assessment and not an informal assessment as well. After visiting three schools and having no luck at procuring an informal assessment, I had to quickly order an IRI book. I was able to complete the testing, analyze it, write it up, and upload it. Today, I received my final grade, an A-. So I am still summa cum laude.
One of our Tree Frogs who loves our garden

I had a week break from school in which my cousin and his girlfriend came to visit. We had an enjoyable time getting reacquainted and I cannot believe how pure and sweet both of their hearts were. I envy their ability to float from place to place without letting life worry them-they have traveled over 1000 miles on foot or with a thumb. Although I could never do it-I would be terrified- it helps that he is a professional Ultimate fighter and can defend himself and his girlfriend if need be. They reminded me of my brother and husband at that age and it was nice to remember the past.
My cousin, his girlfriend, & Kenzie
Summer semester started faster than I was ready for and I was so excited to get my grants and scholarships. Would you believe they never came? I was quite perplexed and absolutely terrified because without them, we would have been in big trouble. I found out after the drop and add period was over that I did not register for enough classes to allow me to be awarded my money. Not only was I out quite a bit of money, but I could not afford the class I was enrolled it which is needed for me to graduate. If I did not pay by this Friday, I would be dropped. I contacted my dean and she responded that she was sorry but the other classes were only 6 week classes and it was too late to be added. I asked again what could be done, if anything at all could be done. I contacted another professor and begged to be added in her class. She agreed. :) Her secretary then told me to come by the office and fill out a slip to bring to the registrars office. Hmmmmmm I live about 6 hours away and in my mind I am starting to think this is not going to pan out. The secretary helped me out and gets the class sent to the office for processing. Hooray I now have enough credits to receive my money. Bad news is that I am one week behind a very interesting but challenging class. Ah fun times ahead.
Connor & Kenzie (last picture is a nice football hold???)
So here I am enrolled, taking classes, and not doing rather well today (or yesterday). This stoic is about to let loose and hopefully release some frustration?sadness? confusion? I am tired today-emotional and drained. I am unsure if it has anything to do with my mother especially since my father has moved back in and I am not having to do as much. In fact, I cooked dinner for them tonight because I know it can not be easy for Dad to have to cook after working all day and taking care of mom when she is in a nasty mood. Yesterday I took her with me to watch Mackenzie in swimming and I almost lost it. She kept telling me how horrible I was to make her finish swimming. Kenzie wanted swimming, I enrolled her in a month session. After one class, she wanted to quit. I told her she did not have to re enroll but she must finish what she started. Because of her tears, my mother was very nasty to me. She complained about the instructor (loud enough for the woman to hear her call her a b*****) She yelled at the instructor at one point because the instructor was teaching Kenzie. It was very hard on me to make Kenzie do it and even harder having my mother telling me how evil I was. A slight digression but back to Dad. I can imagine how hard it is to stay nice when she is being mean. Today I did yell at her which I felt bad. I brought up pistachio encrusted chicken with twice baked mashed potatoes, and sauteed green beans and my children were crazy. It was the witching hour of 6 o'clock and for some reason that is the time when my two little ones are nuts. Picture: pouring drinks, drinks spilling, dog running around, boy knocking over water,girl hitting boy, boy crying, two kids ru the bedroom to open up more drawers, shutting doors, opening doors, running again, yelling. You get the idea. The reason-THEY KNOW I cannot tell them to stop without my mom getting mad at me. However, I risk it this time and tell them to stop. My mom gets very upset and starts in on me. I finally said in a rather forceful voice "The reason they are acting like this is because they know I cannot say anything without having to justify myself to yonning, my mom trying to show me something, girl jumping up and down yelling, boy running away, girl opening doors getting food, boy getting food, both running back tou. So while I am sitting her telling you why, they go to do more-let me raise my children the way that I know how". I tell her I am tired of her making me feel like such an awful mom and she needs to let me do what I need to do with my kids. She is upset because she thinks I only discipline Kenzie and let Connor do whatever he wants. She gets very distraught and upset and I decided to leave. When I get home she has apologized. I end up traveling back up there to give her medicine for a burn and spent another hour with her and Kenzie.
My Garden pic1 tomatos, pic 2 pole beans, pic 3 cantaloupe and watermelon
I am now exhausted beyond belief-I feel like a zombie. Monday-Client with two kids in the morning, swimming and mom's in the afternoon. Tuesday-client two for groceries with two kids, school work, billing, hair collection information (more in a minute on this one). Wednesday-swimming with Gigi from 4:15-7:00 Thursday-school, observations for school, grocery, mom''s twice. Tomorrow-hair collecting from 11 salons and groomers then movie night. Saturday-visiting two clients and great grandma. Sunday-Church. Last night I received 2 1/2 hours of sleep because of the amount of school work I had on top of business and billing. My newest endeavor is this hair collection idea. To my best friend: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I love you but why did I decide to do this??? Oh yeah to help those little critters in the gulf. Starting tomorrow, I will be visiting 11 different salons and groomers to collect their hair for the week and ship it to Matters of Trust. I encourage everyone to sign up with them and try to get hair donated for the oil spill booms. Little does my dad know that his equipment garage is going to store some hair for a day or two hehehehe.

I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. Each breath I take is a struggle and there are moments in the day when I feel unable to get enough air. The weight is overbearing today and I feel totally defeated. I know that I need to let God bear the weight with me but is seems difficult. I question so many things today since nothing is making sense and wish just for a day I could feel free and actually find fifteen minutes to clear my mind and relax. I find myself getting angry at God, at my life, at my situation and realize that this is not beneficial for me. I feel so out of control-which for me is not a pleasant feeling. Mostly I want to do so much more and cannot find the minutes to do it. I fear my future-I feel my place is besides my children raising them and helping my mother; I cannot imagine having to go to work with the amount of things I have to do. I cannot imagine having to visit the two elderly ladies, my grandmother, my mother, run the non-profit business, make the phone contacts, write the grant, create the publications, organize clients information, schedule meetings, cook dinner for mom and kids, clean the house, manage the garden, study for school, and go to work.
I support my husband, but am having a difficult time living on faith alone. He is such an amazing example of letting God take care of us and being content with what we have. He knows that we are where we are supposed to be-that God's plan is working out the way He wants it to. I am so unsure of what I am supposed to do, of what God wants. Sometimes I feel that I am not able to wait for God to reveal His will. . I am not one to ask for much so I often find it ironic that God has called us to do this. How are two people that hate to ask people for money going to raise funds for our dear clients and for us. It has been over a year and a half since I have been able to go into a store and by an outfit that I like for my little girl (pity party for me-almost over).
It is hard to live on next to nothing, not able to take a family vacation because all our money goes to everyone else. I feel bad because our choices not only affect my children but also my mother-in-law. She provides so much for our children and each time she does something, I feel so guilty. I cried so much today, partly because I feel selfish in wanting, and partly because of the stress. There are days when I just want normalcy-my mom the way she was; my husband working 9-5 instead of these odd hours 6 days a week; money in savings and ability to afford a ski trip or clothing/home decors/or other random items; a chance to breath freely; get a manicure hair styled or massage; spend time as a family with my husband, children, dad, brother, and mom in a festive mood. I feel that I am being pulled in too many ways and just want a relief. This non-profit is the most challenging adventure I have ever taken. There are so many that need our help and we just don't have the money to help them. I think that is the worst feeling of it all. I feel like I am letting them down-I have no idea how to do this-to get money to get funding. I wrote a grant and am fearful of submitting it and the amount of work it will require of us. We aim to keep at least 2/3 of all funding to be spent on our clients which leaves us with 1/3 to manage payroll, business expenses, accountant fees, publications, fundraising, etc. That does not leave much for us to get a person to help with the business end. I do not think I am strong enough for anymore....Please be praying that tomorrow I wake up feeling renewed, refreshed, and not so perplexed. Please don't pity me, don't worry about me, or express sympathy-I will be myself in a day or so and things will be perfectly fine and I will skip through my life with a real smile on my face. Today, however, I feel pain and sorrow. I let my stoic guard down and embrace such raw emotion with a fury of feeling and allow the release of tension to flow out. I pray for God's arms to wrap around me tonight and lull me to sleep.


Bonnie Widmaier said...

praying for you and your heavy load.

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