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Saturday, July 24

Almost full moon

Last night was a disaster at the beginning but tapered off throughout the evening.  She was upset with me for arriving late despite the fact that I called to tell her I would be there in a bit.  To her a bit meant a short while, whereas I meant a little longer than usual. She would not talk to me the first five minutes I was there, she sat on her bed and stared off into space.  Finally she got upset with me and told me I was a bit**.  I apologized and explained myself.  She quickly forgave me and we were able to have a pleasant start.  We found a movie (sabrina) and started it.  Not five minutes into the movie, mom starts to cry.  She is screaming about her teeth and cussing her dentist.  He is a fu***** bast*** to leave me like this.  Why why there is no thing for the one two things.  I hurt with all cavities. Here is one and there and this and that.  Two two two one in there.  She is poking her face with her fingers and trying to show me the cavities.  I try to explain that they are all fixed and that there is nothing there anymore, that there is nothing more anyone can do. She tells me I am a bit** again and to fu** off.  Her mouth is noticeable worse.  She started to cuss out the actress on the t.v You beep beep woman go beep beep you beep.  I am astonished considering that she has never cussed like this.  She starts pulling on her hair and shouting.  I manage to distract her with arranging an appointment.  She calms down and gets up.  She wants to show me her hair.  It takes a half hour to get back to the movie and she is calmer.  She looks completely frazzled and exhausted.  She is submerged in the Alzheimer's world and occasionally pops back to me.  She is completely frantic now during movies and has no enjoyment.  She yells at herself to shut up and at one point tells me how much she hates who she has become.  She misses herself and can no longer find herself. She tells me that it is getting worse, that she cannot control what comes out or how she is feeling.  She cannot understand simple statements anymore.  She wants to understand and tries so hard.  She will not give up until she understands it.  I think that is the reason her memory is so good. She obessess until it is solved.  We have a calm rest of the night.  When I got home, she calls me to cuss me out for messing with her t.v.  She wants me to head back over and fix it.  I tell her that is not possible but I can get Dad.  She starts screaming ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh over and over again.  She tells me she hopes I get this disease and will die. She tells me I am a god da** evil bit** that does nothing for her.  It continues until I finally hang up and call dad.  Dad to the rescue.  He fixes it and I can only imagine what it was like awakening to that.  I receive a phone call at 2 in the morning with her crying and apologizing.  This sparks a late convo with the hubby.  we had just sorted some pictures about an hour prior and there was one from a year and a half.  We started to discuss this picture and how quickly she has aged.  I look at my mother and see this very frail and elderly woman looking back at me.  There is no life no spark left in her eyes.  Eyes are supposedly the window to your soul and there is nothing in her eyes anymore. 
Today, she was in a very confused state.  She could not understand how to do her pills and she quickly gave them to my father to manage.  Dad said that she was very calm but could not figure out how to even put a garbage bag in the trash.  We tried to explain the pills to her and she could not figure it out.  Something has happened to her in the past few days that has made her decline again.  With my mom, it seems that we go in very pronounced stages.  She maintains for a bit and quickly drops.almost like going down a stairway.  travel travel travel and drop, travel travel travel then drop again.  She is taking greater steps in her downward spiral and they are happening faster.  I guess that is a good thing because she won't suffer as long.  It is hard to see the tiny sliver of my mother completely slipping away.  There is very little of her left and every so often we are graced with her old laugh or her old smile.  In that instant her entire persona changes and she even resembles the mother of the past.  Her wrinkles disappear, the zombie stare sparks with life, and her movements become graceful.  For that brief moment, a smile grows on my face and i share the enjoyment with her because I know it will disappear in a flash.  I praise God for the gift of her smile and just relish in the moment.

1 comments:

Susan Higgins said...

Sorry to read how awful it has been for your mom and the rest of your family. It's hard to be verbally abused by a person in mom's body.

I'm a believer in food as medicine. I've made observations with the food my mom eats and her behaviors. What I have noticed over and over again is when my mom eats any simple carbohydrates, anything made with wheat gluten, my mom's behaviors become much worse.

My mom is like your mom when she eats gluten products or dairy.

My mom is diabetic and has had a problem managing her blood pressure for as long as I can remember. She did not eat a healthy diet which contributed to her poor health.

It seemed hopeless. I never thought I'd be able to talk to my mom again.

My mom has taught me a huge lesson, it's never too late to fix our health. It takes a bit of work to help my mom but it's worth it.

She has dementia episodes, some worse than others... it depends on what she eats.

Hope that what I've learned through my mom will help you to help your mom.

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