Wednesday, June 29

I believe we have little time left

I was at my moms tonight until pretty late.  She was very restless around 12 until 12:45..  She finally fell asleep and I left around 1:20.  Boy what a horrible process it is to see someone that you love slowly pass away.  My mom is still aware of everything and still with us mentally sortof.  She told me tonight how much she loved me and when I told her she was my best friend, she smiled and asked "really?"  It made her day.  I know that it is only a matter of days that I have left with my mother and I did not expect how hard it would be for me.  The realization that I won't have her to snuggle with or to hold really bothers me.  Even hearing her calling my name or saying I love you.  I really do not want to lose my mother.  I know that she is suffering and will be better off but she is not ready to go and I am not ready to let her go.  She is scared that she is dying and she told me she does not want to go.  She wants to be there for her grandchildren and I think she feels robbed sometimes of the time she had with the children.  I want to scream so loud and throw a tantrum because I want my children to know their grandmother. I have fallen in love with this new mother who at first was such a stranger.  She replaced my mother that I had known all my life and as strange as it is to say, I love her more as she is now.  She is so loving and so calm, humorous and silly.  I feel so loved by her and feel that she is proud of me, something I tried to obtain my entire life.  I do not want to lose her and I see her slipping farther and farther away.  I am thankful that I am a believer in Christ and know that one day I will see her again but it is the unknown that is so hard.  No one knows how heaven will be and I do not know the type of relationship that we will have. I do not know how people that do not believe in eternal life can deal with the finality of death.  I also feel for those that lost contact with my mother during this disease.  They missed out on such a wonderful woman.  She was so different than the woman she was. Granted early on she was quite a pill, but these last few months, she is amazing.  I cannot believe she is only 58 and her body has wasted away to make her look like she is 80. My gorgeous mother has become a corpse, an emaciated living corpse that trembles and shakes constantly.  I spend my days with a wall so strong that I can separate myself from the reality of her death.  I can speak of her dying without shedding a tear and can spend time with her without breaking down.  It is here as I type that the tears fall freely, no one to see my stained face, no one struggling with what to say to me to comfort me.  There really is nothing you can say that will comfort someone who is faced with a dying loved one. I am sorry makes no sense-why do people apologize for something that is not their fault. I do appreciate those that are praying because that is about all that can help.  Maybe it is the realist in me, but I actually appreciate those that do not tippy toe around it and speak frank about her death. Those that want to know what is happening to her and not afraid to offend me.  I do not need to be comforted, in fact that makes me feel more awkward.  She is dying and there is nothing I can do but watch and love her.  Her body has started the dying process, of that we are sure.  She goes days without any bowel movement, days without urine, days without eating.  She now weighs 89lbs and if you see her legs, they look so thin and frail.  Her feet are slightly cold to the touch and have begun discoloring.  Her skin is flaking around her nose and forehead.  Her blood pressure sometimes drops pretty low 95/53 with a heart rate of 115.  Sometimes she is completely normal with a 128/73 and 89 pulse.  Her temp is 97-98.  She is agitated and fidgits more often.  Her body trembles continuously with sudden violent tremors.  Her feet never stop shaking.  Her eyes are glassy and often she stares vacantly.  She sees people that she is afraid of and other hallucinations.  She states that something is wrong with her and feels like she is dying. Her body is pretty rigid and her urine when she does go is brown  like ice tea.  The most tell tale sign that she is dying is her smell.  I do not know if anyone has ever experienced being able to smell illness or death.  For some reason, i always know when my children are going to be sick because they start to have this scent.  It smells like a hospital.  I do not know if anyone else understands the hospital smell but it is the smell of an iv line or iv fluids.  Very sterile very clean smell.  It is not unpleasant, but rather almost a pure smell.  Well for awhile my mom was smelling very bad-bad body odor, bad breath.  Today was the first day that she did not smell bad.  Her breath had the medicine smell of a hospital an odor of death.  I noticed the scent on Saturday but it was very light.  Today the scent oozed from her.  I also notice that her dog comes up to her a lot more and stays with her more often.  I hate that the signs of her eminent death are here-I really do know that I am not ready for this and am going to have a difficult time with it.  She has been our life for so many years that I really do not know what I will do with myself.  I know I am going to have to get out of this town for a few weeks or even a month.  I do not want to see her house, her stuff, or antyhing else to make me think about it until I have had time to process this.  Keep us inyour prayers and hoepfully Iwill regain my stoic attitude because it is a lot easier to deal with it that way.  Thanks for listening to my vent.  Also a lot of people have asked how they can help me.  Honestly, the best way is to cook somethign or come help me clean.  I have not cooked a decent meal in over two weeks because I would rather spend my time with my mother.  So if you want to help, cook for us or bring meal cards-that is the best gift you can give.  Are you not proud of me, I am actually letting people help me out :)  Thanks again!!!


Sandra Dulac said...

It breaks my heart and makes me so very sad to see how my dear friend Audrey's life is ending. It makes me cry. We have been friends since early childhood. She was always the funny vivacious, kooky one that could make people laugh. I am missing her already. I wish I were down there in Florida to help you. I just want to say how happy I am that she had all of you to love her and take care of her...she knows and I am sure she appreciates it. You will see her again in heaven. Take care ..all of you.

Cheryl Kearney said...

Although we don't really know each other face to face, but rather on MP, I still feel very close to you & your brother Kevin. I had to stop reading this journal several times to wipe the tears that were streaming down my face. I wish that I could just hold you & comfort you, as only a mother could do. I don't think that I've ever read or heard from anyone who was watching their loved one slowing slip away from them. This just breaks my heart to hear the pain in your every word. As I type this, I again have tears streaming down my face. I just wish that I could change this outcome for you & that you could enjoy many more years with your mom. After your mom is gone, you can still share her story with her grandchildren. You can tell them all the loving things that she has done & said to you & your brother over the years. You can put together a photo album with pictures of your mom & share it with your children. Your mom is so young to be leaving you. I also lost a parent very young. My dad was only 57 when he died of heart disease. Your journal could perhaps in the future be my own children's thoughts of me. It scares me a lot to think about this. My thoughts & prayers will be surrounding you, Kevin & your dad. (((((HUGS)))))
Much LOVE to your family,
Cheryl Kearney

Gayle D. said...

I know first-hand how hard it is to see a parent you love so much suffer and slip away before your very eyes. It is like no other pain. I wish and am praying for your mom, you, and your family peace and serenity. Time will heal. And one day you will be reunited. The memories you can share with your precious kids are invaluable. And your mom is lucky to have had such loving children to take such good care of her. I'm thinking about you and praying for you, each and every day.

Erica said...

Kim, I cannot imagine the struggle you are going through with letting go of your mom. I know from conversations we have had of how much you love and care for her. I know you to be a woman of faith but also a human being as well. It is ok to be mad, to scream, to not want to let go. When my Nana passed from her dementia, parkinsons and heart issues, the one thing I treasured most was that I was able to spend the last week of her life with her, she was the woman I had spent most of my childhood with and to be honest I have my most happy childhood memories were with her. However soon I realized, even though I didn't want to let her go, it was harder for her to let go, knowing I myself, my uncle, my own mother were holding on so hard. When we were all finally at peace then she was also at peace as well. It was such a bitter-sweet moment that I will cherish forever. Many hugs your way, know that God is with all of you and look to Him for strength and courage in this hard time. (Prayers for you and your family)

Anonymous said...

Kimberly, Along with Sandra's comment, my heart is breaking for my friend Audrey. I have followed your journey like a voyeur, afraid to look but not wanting to look away! I'm sorry I couldn't have been more of a friend in these last few years, but whatever our recent failures are, they cannot take away our individual memories of past friendships, and Audrey will always be my cherished childhood friend. I am praying constantly for you, your father, your brother and most of all Audrey. I know that soon she will be where we groan to be and will finally be at peace. All that has gone before her will be done and she will be in the presence of the glory of GOD! She will shed no more tears, however those that are left behind will miss her and certainly shed tears.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:12-14

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