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Friday, June 17

My mom is dying I believe

What to say and how to say it...My heart has been torn, twisted, and completely unprepared for what I encountered tonight.  To see what happened to my mother in two nights shocked me into total disbelief and slight depression.  Normally I am mentally and emotionally prepared for my nights with my mother but this time, I was blindsided.  My eyes are moist and cannot stop tearing up.  I cannot even look over at my mom with water dripping down my face.  She is a living corpse a zombie .  Her face is so hallow but the worse part is the zombie shuffle, her face tilted sideways, her back hunched over, and a slow shuffle.  Except that the slow shuffle only allows her to walk three or four feet until her entire body is shaking and she starts bending more toward the ground and almost falls over.  Here is what : My mom slumped in a chair barely able to support herself in the chair.  She could not speak but made incoherent mumbles.  she trues to tel me about her falling out of her bed and how scared she is. she tells me she will never go in there because "they wanted to kill her"We try to figure out a solution too this dilemma and she says she wants Dad's bed.  I decide to show her the room and let her try out the bed.  Imagine my surprise to figure out she can not get up out of the chair.  Not only that but even when I lift her up, she shakes and looks like she is on a tight rope.  She starts to slip like she is falling and I place her back in the chair.  She tries to walk again and cannot.  She has completely forgotten what to do.  So Dad leaves to go get a wheel chair.  During this time, I talk her into moving the king bed from the guest bed to her room.  She agrees and I fly between the rooms.  I can now boast that I can break down a queen bed, break down a king bed, move king bed into one room, and set it up in less than 7 minutes.  Give me 11 and I could have set up the other room.  It was only when dad came home that we were able to put the bed in there which took the 4 minutes.  Well bed was now in place but the question was how to get mom to the room.  I somehow talked her into letting me carry her to her room.  It was not as easy as I thought it would be.  She was dead weight and it was kinda hard not bumping into stuff.  I made it to her room and placed her in the new bed.  She loved it.  I actually got a smile and then she asks me to call my brother to tell hi m that she let me carry her.  She was so proud of herself.  Dad came how just when mom decided to she had to use the restroom.  We try to get her up and it takes over 35 minutes to get her in the room and on the toilet.  We actually had to force her on there.  She finally peed.   which may have been the firs time she peed all day.  she made it back to the bed and she let me pick her up to get in the bed.  Before that she tried to sit on the bed and almost fell.  I had to catch her as she folded in half.  So here is the changes in my mom.  Her head is tilted sideways with her hair in her face.  She cannot see where she is walking-bumping into the baseboards, corners, walls in the few steps she takes.  Her back is hunched over with her right arm completely stuck to her side.  She tenderly steps one foot at a time testing the ground beneath her and scared to trust in her senses.  She cannot follow sound.  She keeps her eyes shut most of the time.  She does not want to eat tonight, she barely wants to drink (but thankfully she let me give her some juice).  She stayed in the bed most of the night-I brought everything to her.  At one point, she was extremely interested in conversation.  She told me she is dying and everything is hard.  She also said she does not want to die.  I will admit that I broke down quite  a few times tonight-she is there. She is completely aware and I hate that.  Watch the videos and you can see how far out there she seems and yet when we decided on a movie (the holiday) I could not find it.  All of a sudden she says oh wait Kevin and I watched it today.  There it was in the dvd player.  Someone please explain to me how she remembers that and yet she looks like she does in the videos.  After seeing the change in her from two days until now, I will be surprised if she is not totally bedridden in less than a month.I also would not be surprised if she is getting ready to pass.  She is not eating, not peeing, not having bowel movements and is slipping away so quickly.  As much as a blessing that this would be for her, I question whether I am ready for this.  I think about her death all the time and often pray that God would take her.  But seeing her tonight made me realize that it is sooner than later that her presence will no longer be there and I don't want that.  I feel so torn between having my mother and letting her go.  Even though she is such an empty shell, she is still my mom and I feel so blessed just to hold her in my arms and tousle her hair. 

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