Wednesday, February 23

Flip the switch

A few videos to include in this:  From Friday night watching Bride and prejudice

What a strange day today has been.Started with the Drs for the children and got an all clear.  The nurse mentioned something about traces of blood in Kenzie's urine from the weekend but did not mention anything more.  This weekend we took Kenzie in again because although her fever broke Friday, on Saturday, she did her weird zoning out thing that has not happened for two years.  She slept until 9 which is a rarity and from then until 11, she did not move.  No fidgeting, no walking, nothing.  She would not answer us at all for fifteen minutes, just looked completely pale and dazed.  Then she would start talking but very distracted.  As I drove her to the doctors, her lips went completely white and she started to gag.  Once in the Dr's office, she still did not walk or talk much.  Then, I kid you not, all of a sudden the color came back and she came to life.  Literally in five seconds, she was right back to herself.  this reminded me of her pet it mal seizures.  At first I thought dehydration but it was more than that-so strange and like the color went away from her like it did when she was two.  Well her urine showed ketones in it but in a slight amount.  So she was slightly dehydrated but not dehydrated enough to need iv fluids which makes me wonder what the episode was.  Watching her closely.  Now I am wondering why she had blood in her urine without having a uti.  Seriously, my children have such weird things that are unexplained and I have no answers.
Anyway, the all clear was today so that was good.  We also had an unexpected phone call at noontime.  My dear sweet Gloria called me.  I was so excited and so relieved to hear her wonderful voice.  She then asked me to meet her at her house because she was going there in just a few minutes.  Of course we loaded up as quickly as possible (after Kenzie ran around the house grabbing things to give to her).I was able to visit with her for awhile and it was so refreshing.  I am so happy to know that I can talk to her at least once a week and as things settle down, she will be allowed to visit with us and spend time with us.  She asked us to take her little rat Coco and i did not refuse, especially since Ratty has disappeared.  Something has happened to her and I cannot figure out what.  She was our tame and super friendly baby.  She stayed around us the entire time she was out of the cage and would come to you when you called her. Two nights ago, she was with us and after showering and cleaning up  we noticed she was not around.  We looked for her and decided she must have fallen asleep somewhere and would show up sometime in the night by snuggling up to us.  She has not been seen since.  I fear something happened because it is not like her to hide.  She needs people and thrives on food and attention.  Kipper was searching for her all day and making weird little noises.  At least Coco will keep her company.  Thankfully she is a young baby so I can potty train and work with her to come when called.

We ran around a bit this afternoon taking a client to a few stores. I also was able to work on some flyers for this huge estate sale.  I mean Huge.  I will post pictures soon.  All I can say is that if you like fabric, call me or email me because I have over 1 ton of fabric.  nice fabric too and should think about opening up a fabric store. This picture is a small sample of how much fabric there is. 

Now for tonight-oh my.  Kevin was fortunate to have a great day with mom.  She laughed and visited with him and still discussed her video prank.  She even mentioned hiring a lawyer to protect herself again anyone that would deem it abusive.  She is so adamant with it  and find her so amazingly strong willed and full of zest.  I am bewildered by her. She is so unlike any Alzheimer's patient that I have ever interacted with.  She is so aware of her condition and her inabilities, she does not forget.  She was able to pay such close attention to her medicine in order to take the right amount so she would not wake up my father at nigth anymore.  She hates that she wakes him up and is trying anything and everything to stay in her room no matter what.  She will sit in her bed watching her blue screen rather than go to him and ask him to put in a movie or turn off her tv.  She will sometimes pee in her depends at night rather than go get him to help her pee.  She is able to tell us this and how much she hates that she cannot do anything.  She can tell us how it feels when she cannot do something She is fully aware of each loss of her mental functioning despite not being in the earlier stages. She has remained a fighter and is still struggling to maintain her Independence.She tries to adjust, make excuses or anything else to continue to leave a live that is worth living. She struggles to comprehend conversations going on around her and is aware when people talk to her like an idiot.  I think that is the hardest for mom.  The talking down to her and not understanding that she is still there despite not having the ability to understand how to do something.  People, family, friends treat her like she is dumb or like a child.  She resents it and will tell me later how this person made her feel so inferior.  For isntance, at this Birthday Bash for my grandmother this weekend, she felt so stupid and like a child.  Everyone was telling her where to go, what they thought she was saying.  People just try to finish what she is saying and do not let her think it out.  They tell her what she means and that is frustrating to her.  She just wants to be treated like normal, to heve people say and interact the way they used to.  She knows that she looks so lost but inside her head, she knows exactly what she wants to have happen.  her body just won't do what she wants it to do, her mouth won't speak the words, her hands wont move the right way.  She is completely useless and she is aware.She hates that she cannot be a granmother to her grandchildren.  That they will not know her or the things she used to do.  That they see her as a child.She hates that this disease has brought so much pain to her children and husband.  She hates that she cannot retire and travel with my father.  She feels robbed of her life and feels as though she is stealing ours.Her brain is dying bit by bit each day and tehre is nothing she can do to stop it Tonight she could not open her drawers to her dresser.  She tried for over half an hour and could not make them open or close. Every day new tasks that I forget even exist become forgotten by her.

Well tonight went well for ten minutes.  She told me she had a great day and was so happy.  Then she became upset about her hair and that it was itchy becuase Kenzie threw flowers at her at the party.  I washed her hair for her and she did not think i did a good job like my dad.  She asked me to have dad wash her hair but he was busy. S o I washed it two mroe times.  Thenit was great.  She complained about being itchy still throughout her body.  Then she got distracted and wanted her drawers cleaned out.  We made it through over 8 drawers and then she wanted to stop and watch the movie before it got to late.  It took her about 8 minutes to pick out amovie.  She chose Sabrina.  About half way into the movie, she started complaining about her bed and wanted it all washed.  I told her it was too late to wash all the bedding.  She started cussing at me and told me that it was my fault.  That I am mean and she hates me.  She never wants me to come over. I somehow calm her down and wash one of the blankets that she sleeps on.  She then decides that she does not want to watch sabrina and needs a different movie.  I tell her that it is too late for me to watch Meet Joe Black because it is three hours long and I have to get up at 6.  She startes moaning and crying.  Then starts screaming F you I hate you  you ******** b*****.  She continues to scream at me and starts throwing things off the dressers.  I walk out and she comes out intot he kitchen screaming and stats throwing stuff off the conunter.  Calming I tell her if she continues to throw, I will have to restrain her which she deos not like.  That stops her from throwing but not from screaming at me.  I realize at this point I need to connect with her motherly instinct.  I tell her it is ok, that I will watch another movie and stay the night.  That i will call Kevin and make him get up at 6 so he can watch the children so Jason can go to work.  Sure enough that does it.  She says noo I won't do that to you guys.  Keving cannot wake up that early.  Crisis over and still agitated.  Dad comes home and he helps calm her all the way down.  He tells her to twacth happy everafter and that he will put in the other one when it is finisehed.  Since it is short, I tell her that I can stay to watch it so that Dad can go to bed without having to deal with her. Half way into the movie, she decides it is time to take her xanax.  She takes it and is completely convinced that she still needs to take some.  That she did not take it all. Freak out number three. She starts to scream again at me telling me that I am trying to kill her. that she has to take it or she won't sleep.  I try to convince her that she did take it and somehow between Dad and I we are able to get her back to our world.  She then cries for the next half hour to me and tells me she is sorry. She wonders why she acts so mean to me and wishes she did not do it.  I tell her that it does not bother me and I can honestly say it does not.  I can only imagine that this could and possibly will be me in twenty or thirty years and how awful it must be.  No matter what stresses we have as care givers, it is nothing compared to the hell that is going on in their bodies and mind.  They live in a hazy jumbled, world filled with fear, distrust, and confusion.  Nothing makes sense and they have to live in that body every second of every day.  We can escape whether it is for a few minutes or a few days on respice.  We can still try to live a normal life in between all the craziness of their world.  They never get a break, never can leave their horrible world.  It is 24/7 .  I watch my mom and no matter what she does, I am thankful that I am not there yet.  That I can think and move as I want. People say how hard it must be for us taking care of her.  Yes she is hard to manage, yes she can be a non stop attention seeking person, ultimately, she behaves as most two year olds do.  She throws tantrums, she cries, she is selfish, she cannot pee on her own, she cannot eat by herself.  She resembles a two year old in all ways except that she is aware of it.  But really, I hate the pity. I feel it is so unnecessary.  If they want to feel bad for someone, it should be the one that lives  in that horrible world all the time. Every second I am with my mother, I am reminded that this could be me.  Kevin and I have a 50% chance that this will be us and I can only hope that someone will take care of me with the understanding of how horrible it must be to go through it. Sorry for the rambling but this is what late night blogging does to me. Good night to all~~


Astra! said...

I hope Kenzie is better now.Did the Dr say what was wrong?
You are doing a good job with your mum. Your mum don't hate you, i think she has on the spot out bursts and all sorts come rolling out. I've done this myself although i know what i was saying ect...i just had no control of what i said or how. I know that sounds like an excuse, but this has happened a few times to me.
I was assessed a couple of weeks ago for my short term memory loss and was told by my GP this week that i'm being assessed for Alzheimers.

I was going to write something here and forgot (must be my short term memory loss)
My blog is: Astras Thoughts And Feelings.

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