Tuesday, March 1

The forgotten Granddaughter

Yesterday I had such a profound realization and it has stayed with me for the past day.  Not only has this disease robbed me of my mother, but my poor daughter has started to realize the loss of her normaly.  She is surrounded by her friends that have grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and so much family to entertain and love them.  She sees how often her friends go out with other family members or spend time with them.  Kenzie was so sad yesterday when she found out her Nonna would not be comming.  She was so excited and the disappointment in her eyes was so deep.  She accepts not having her Gigi-she understands completely. So much so that the other day I shared a tape of my mother singing.  Kenzie started to cry as she heard Gigi's voice and said how she wished Gigi could do what she used to do. She accepts not playing over Gigi's & Jeeps, but does not understand why she no longer sees Jeep.  She understands that her uncle is so busy taking care of Gigi that lately he cannot play with her.  She realizes that he other uncle is so far away in Cali and her Nonna & Pop are in Mississippi.  She does not however understand why all of her friends have someone and she doesn't. She said to me yesterday when she found out that Nonna was not coming that it made her mad but won't let herself get mad at her Nonna. This puts such heaviness on my heart because I cannot change it.  I cannot make Gigi better so Kenzie can play with her.  I cannot ask Geep or Uncle Tau to take her out or spend more time with her when they are exhausted..  I cannot move to Cali or Mississippi so Kenzie can she her daddy's side of the family.  So we just have to shower her with all the attention and love that we possibly can.  I also realize that this is affecting Connor-he is 2 1/2 and has only been out without Mom and Dad one time.  I am sorry to complain about this but it is bothering me for some reason.  It bothers me when others get to go visit and go travel to see their loved ones.  But for us, our children are on the back burner. Everyone elses needs come before the kids and while I understand it, it pangs me.
Another pang I have is the loss of my brother's life.  He expects so little and does so much.  He is broke almost contiounsly (how can you live on 200 a week).  Granted that he does not have to pay for rent or phone, but imagine trying to pay a $300 power bill each month, cable, water/sewer, groceries, gas and insurance for the car, and any health needs.  He can never go anywhere or spend anything and if one thing goes up, he may not eat that day for lack of money. 
Well today I will be up to my mother's house for movie and bath night.  I am in a happy state though despite the pangs in my heart.  I can help my brother's pang-I am going to buy him a happy and give him some extra money just to let him know that I understand and love how much he is doing for us.  As for my daughter's hurt, only my attention and devotion can hopefully ease the loss of the attention of others.


Hua said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent troubles, but I'm amazed by your ability to stay strong in these tough times.


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