IT is happening too fast

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So things have progressed rather quickly once again. I am so sorry that I am not blogging. between my mother, my children, and my new job, I am having much less time on the computer and much more time just enjoying life before it is snuffed out. Since our birthday in June, things have quickly altered. Something happened the night of the 14 which caused my mom to stop eating, drinking, using the bathroom and walking. She bounced back when we thought she was on her death bed. Last Wednesday, we went to her doctor's appointment and she wanted to give one last gift to me and kenzie. She wants to go ahead with the DNA testing for the PS1 gene. I almost cried at her thoughtfulness. She wanted to go out to eat after and we went to olive garden. She ate her minestrone soup, salad, and the tour of Italy. She was stuffed, happy, and excited to be out. We headed home and she crashed. That was the last meal she has really eaten with the exception of eating a few bites of spaghetti on friday. She was holding her own until Sunday night. Something happened that night because on monday, she could no longer talk. She was able to speak a few phrases and then mumbled the rest of the sentence. On tuesday night, something happened when I was there. I noticed her mouth slightly skewed and monitored her. She had a fever of 100.4 but was not in much pain. On Wednesday, she was now leaning to the left, her left eye red, both eyes yellow, her mouth drawn tight on the right side and laxed on the left. Her left arm drawn into her body. She slurs and has a hard time swallowing. She has not urinated in 50 hours, no bowel movement in 8 days. no major food since 8 days ago. She runs a little fever now and then. She has a heart rate around 120. Her respirations are around 20 per minute. She has developed thrush in her mouth and we will get medicine for that tomorrow. She sleeps a majority of the time now with only a few hours of wakefulness around 7 until 10. Last night she still was with it enough to prank me. As I showed her a few videos, we picked out two. I decided to show her Sweet home alabama as a last resort and she gets all upset and starts shouting nooooooo nooooo. It startled me and I jumped. She started to laugh at me and said "I should not have done that. I teased her about pranking me and she thought it was so funny. After that she went back to zombie land. Well tonight, she showed her humor once again. As we were sitting there, she made a comment about my chest. For those of you who know my mother, you will remember her fascination with chests, especially those that are well endowed. My mother thought nothing of making exclamations about them or even reachingover to see if they were indeed real. Well for those of you who have been honored by my mother's inappropraite fixation, be reassured that she still has it. Unbelievable...truly....

My mother surprisingly is so with it. We have so many people calling now to make peace and to talk to her. She cracks me up because she is still as stubborn as always. She lets my uncle and my uncle skip talk to her daily. I will say of all the people, they have been the only ones that never failed her. My uncle calls her daily rather than spend his little money on basic necessities or entertainment, he spends it on a phone call to my mother. He talks to her and makes her laugh. For as long as I live, I will never forget what his love did for my mother. I find it amazing that people do not realize that she still remembers who you are and what you are in her life now. To her she wonders why they bother...she did surprise us by making peace with one that until recently wanted nothing to do with. So if you did not call mom when she was living with Alzheimer's please do not be offended if she won't talk to you as she dies from alzheimer's. Sorry if that is alittle harsh but I promised to write the way I feel and if it causes someone pain, well then maybe the next time someone has something horrific happen to them, they will embrace them and draw closer instead of disappearing because they could not handle it. My mom had no choice but to handle it and she did it with only a few.

Each day I cringe as I hear my phone ring thinking it is the call. I find myself tearing up throughout the day when I hear a song or think of my mother. I do not want to let go. I know what it is going to be like not to see her and my throat already tightens and the feeling of antsy tantruming is hidden behind my composure. I maintain the blank stare and continue with the motions when I want to scream how unfair this is. I want my children to know their grandmother but fear that they won't. sorry my thoughts are so jumbled...i am exhausted.