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Saturday, July 9

any ideas

A lot of people have been asking for an update on my mother and so I decided I should write in my blog.  We are totally and completely confused by my mother.  She became basically unresponsive and would not eat/drink/pee/bm or anything.  This lasted four days and gradually started coming back.  I beleive that she  had a combination of a mini stroke and dehydration.  She still is eating very minimally, maybe three or four bites of food a day.  She is drinking more than she was but not that much.  She pees once again and is having bowel movments almost daily.  She is much more involved in her care than the past few months and has given us complete control finally.  she is not sleeping as well as she was and tends to get rather aggitated later at night.She cannot walk except for a few feet and can no longer swallow her pills. She isnt in much pain and is rather sweet. She is a joy to be with because she is so loving-i dont like being up  late with her though.  These 2 or 3 am nights are really hard considering that i have to get up four hours later. As much as I hate to, I may have to wake my dad up shortly so I can go to bed. I must admit that as the minutes tick on i start to get upset and aggitated myself. there are moments when i just want to tell my mom to stop all her worrying and go to  sleep.  I find myself getting angry at her and hate that feeling.  I know it it not her fault but as the hours tick on and on, i have to count to 10 quite a bit.

This week has been an emotional one for sure. I feel like we are in limbo. we sit there every day and watch her die. Our lives are on hold while her death is on hold. we can not mourn and yet we are forced to grieve every day as another piece of her dies. and then the feelings that come-guilt for the selfish desire to have a normal life sadness for the loss of my mom, having to turn off emotions to deal with business like brain donations and research options.  there is so many conflicting thoughts that is enough to drive you crazy.

On top of this, I had to let go of a dear friend. It was the begining of this past school year that I met Yvi  as both of our daughters go to the same school. Instantly we hit it off and after spending some time at some school outings, I felt drawn to her.  for the first time in a long time she needed nothing from me, just a friendship. she did so much for me-she brought out the best in me and being with her made everything so enjoyable. Not to mention our daughters were instant best friends.  Two opposites brought together and quickly became inseperable.  Sadly as the last shuttle left today, so did my friend.  I am having difficulty with her leaving and yet happy for her as she starts a new job in a new state.  I hate feeling so conflicted-I am feeling so many more emotions and I hate that.  Normally goodbyes do not bother me and this one does. I hate that she was taken away and I hate even more how much it has affected me. I feel like a light has been taken away and with it the fun and excitement that she brought.

On a good note, I did enjoy a marvelous trip to the beach. My dear cousin was down in Miami staying beach front and was able to get me aroom.  how wonderful to just open the door and see the beach.  It made me realize that I am truly a Florida girl-i love the beach for an hour or so but am not a good tourist. I cannot spend hours on the sand and now know why I do not travel the two hours to go to the beach.  I did talk to j about living closer to the beach whenthe opportunity presents itself.  Desting might be nice...As much as I am starting to form a life in Sebring, the thought of living here and raising my children here does not seem right.  Being on the beach made me reflect quite a bit.

It is late and I am heading home-Mom has finally fallen asleep.  Good night all. 

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