Where have I been...

So sorry not to blog in such a long long time. I would not thought it possible to become busier than I have in the past but it has happened. The difference is that I am busy for myself and not for others (not sure if that is a good thing or not). I am working in an unbelievable job as a vocational rehabilitation counselor and am making a great income. I travel up to 2 hours away but that is ok since it is on the beach. In fact, I get to go on Thursday and Friday work about four or five hours each day and spend the rest of the time on the beach relaxing and enjoying myself with the children and my friend and her children who is coming with me. On top of that, I started exercising. I participate in Zumba and can proudly say I am able to run 1 mile without stopping. Tomorrow I try 1.5 miles at 6 miles per hour. So happy to be finally losing weight after all this time. Now if I can only stop eating those hohos that my father keeps tempting me with.

Mom is steadily decreasing and I have to admit I am slightly creeped out when I see her. She looks so much like a corpse that I start imaging her dead or worse. I know it is my imagination taking over and it makes me feel so bad that I have these images of her. I wish God would take her before she deteriorates any more. her legs are almost always in a w position. She is completely bedridden, we carry her to the bath, to the potty, to the car, to the bed. We change her completely, she no longer tries to help or assist with anything. We crush her meds and give them to her in liquid form. She has incontinence now and almost nightly pees the bed. She still can talk and gets rather anxious from 8 until 11. Even during the day she constantly worries about everything-when is dad getting home when is my doctor appointment, do I get my money, who is coming tonight, when are we watching a movie, what movie should we watch, then she apologizes over and over for being so terrified and worried. She told me last night that she hates hates hates this disease that the Alzheimer's is so bad and she is always scared. Everything makes her nervous and she is so bored. She is tired of laying in bed but cannot handle leaving it. She is so weak and so tired but cannot sleep. Her tiny body is literally wasting away piece by piece and there is nothing to do but watch it disappear. I hold her in my arms often now and just rub her face and hair. I tell her stupid stories about the kids and occasionally get frustrated but the 100th question that she asks at 11 at night. I try to keep calm and focused but inside I just want to shout. I do not understand how she is still so aware of everything but feel blessed to have that gift. She still knows everything that is going on and for that I am grateful.