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Saturday, May 14

memory people

My brother has recently discovered an amazing network and group of people called the memory people.  I must say that it has been a wonderful resource for him.  My dad has the Alzheimer's Spouse, my brother the memory people, and me......Why do I keep things inside?  Maybe it is because I have this blog to talk to...That was one reason I started this blog, so that friends and family could keep up with my mother's progression without me having to explain or discuss her disease.  It got to the point where I hated all the pity, all the conversations about my mother's disease.  The strangest part is once you start talking, there is so much to say that you never shut up which leaves people sorry they asked you in the first place.  It seems like trying to explain anything takes so long because she is sooo unique. 

 Tonight was amazing and she was so cute. We started with washing hair and sponging her off.  It is official that we are no longer shaving her arms or legs or any other parts.  I am amazed that my mother with all her vanities throughout her life, she has finally given up or forgotten that she loves her legs shaved.  She has officially lost all her pride and vain attitudes that plagued her for her entire life. After her shower, her hair dried funky and I made a comment.  Her response was eh I don't care.  Wow, she is finally free from her appearance and I am so happy for her.  It is strange though because it was part of her personality since I can remember.  Mom did have a much harder time recalling words and expressing herself tonight.  She would get so upset since most of her conversations were ...that thing in there that does that in that you know the thing.  That girl and ummm the girl or the boy.  So sad.  Then she got on the phone with my brother and she told him to have fun.  After that she kept saying how happy she was for him, that he is with his old friends probably having fun.  She actually told me to pray for him so he could get the thing that makes you pay (He went to play poker and she wanted him to win big).  She also stepped out of her box and I was able to watch two completely random movies: both horrible though-legally blonde and hope floats-horrible only because I have seen them soooo much. She started getting lovey dovey with me telling me how much she loves me, how wonderful I am, how much she misses me.
  I was able to actually talk with her about my tummy (it is a basketball right now and she noticed, actually asked me what was wrong with me and was I prego).  I told her it was probably my uterus and she told me to "let them look at it in the tv.  I think I will take her advice and ask my doctor to do an ultrasound.  I am in such pain these last four days I truly feel like I am 8 months pregnant (trust me I am not) and it is getting annoying.  I am at the point where I think I do not want to wait for my hysterectomy but rather want to do it now before things get much worse with my mother.  For those unsure of what I am ranting about, we think I have adenomyosis as well as needing additional surgeries.  The only way to fix it is a partial hysterectomy.  I was ok with waiting until I realized that I am probably not going to get my tummy flat until I do it.  Now I know that sounds semi vain and for those of you that know me, you realize I am not a vain person.  I do however care a lot about having a flat tummy. It has been almost six years since my tummy was flat and I am ready for it to be again.  Well after talking with my mother, she has promised to take care of me.  We decided that as I am healing, I will lie in bed next to her and together we will shout Frank/Dad, help us. We need to go to the bathroom, or we need something to drink, or we need a new movie.  We may even ask him to cook us dinner.  I am sure he will lovvvvvvveeee my movie nights then hahahahahahaha (dad are you cringing slightly). She found great humor in that and could not stop laughing.  The other unbelievable thing tonight was her recognizing the smell of bleach.  Dad used a bit to clean his shower (I mean a very little squirt).  The bathroom is on the other side of the house.  All of a sudden mom started to whig out because she smelled that stuff.  I played dumb and went to look for it about 15 times.  Finally I opened up a thing of coffee and brought it into the room.  After fifteen minutes she looks at me and says maybe it wasn't that stuff that gas no that bleach but instead the thing we drank earlier.  I said coffee?? and she said yes that is it.  Crisis adverted thank goodness. 
So recap:  She is deteriorating more with her speech, I think she is starting to forget uneventful things or conversations and her desire to look good.  She is able to sit when she does not think about it, follows one step directions if given time to process what you are saying, and can still take her pills.  She is curling up more when she lays down, her right arm is constantly bent, and her toes do not move well.  Her hearing is amazing as is her sense of smell.  Her taste and sight seem to be lacking.    She is still up to date on current events (kinda-she gets it but doesn't care about it any more).  She is calmer and less agitated now.  So for all of you who have someone that is aggressive or angry, it does pass.  It might take awhile, but one day, the anger fades (perhaps as more holes or neurons die)the violence disappears, the aggression, verbal abuse, and screaming seem a distant memory.  I never thought she would be this serene and gentle child.  I look at her as a mother taking care of her daughter.  She is so passive with this look of complete trust and faith in me.  I look at her and thank God for the peace He has bestowed upon her.  Despite the horrid nature of this disease, I see God at work in all that she does and all that our family goes through.  I know not His plan nor His reason, but it is with complete devotion and trust that I follow the life He has given me.  I often feel overwhelmed with the path He laid out for me but when I surrender to Him, my life finds meaning and purpose and I feel as though there is not a care in the world.  Good night to everyone and thank you for your support to my family.  It means a lot!

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