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Wednesday, May 25

Another Sweet Movie

I HATE SWEET HOME ALABAMA.  I am not sure if I can stand the thought of watching that horrible movie ever ever again and yet I know that I will be subjected to its horrible rendition of a southern accent and silly oneliners that make no sense.  There are so many times in that movie I just sit and wonder.  Tonight was such a depressing and sad night.  My mom was completely lost and miserable.  It has been a few nights now that it is complete torture to pick out the movie and watch it.  She hardly says 15 words the entire time; most of it consists of I have to pee, I donot have to pee, I dont want this, I need my drink, where is my clock, I cannot see my clock, I need my clock, and many other sentences about this digital clock that she looks at to Tell the time except that she cannot tell time anymore. But woe to the one that moves the clock ever so slightly to the left or right.  It trips her up for a bit.She is much more agitated and knows it. She told me to night in the brief conversation that we did have that she hates herself and what she is.  She always feels nervous, anxious and scared.  She wants to be strong but is afraid of the disease.  Tonight I noticed my mom's shuffle has become much worse and now moves at a snail pace.  She could not follow any command to night, not sit, not turn, not drink.  It is now at the point where I look at her and find myself wondering how long.  That in itself is such a huge question with so many feelings.  This one question implies so many more:  How long does she have left to suffer and continue to deteriorate; how long does my father, brother, and self have to care for her; how many more movie nights will I have the honor of attending; how long do I have to spend time with my mother; how long do my children and husband have to sacrifice their nights without me; How long does Kevin have to put everything on hold to care for his mother-his career, his love life, his social life; How long does Dad have to wait to start a new life; How long does my mother have to feel so much pain; how long does she have to spend Saturdays with my grandchild; How long until my children will no longer get the hugs and kiss from my mother; how long until she can no longer play chase (well her version of it anyway).  Amazing how two words can convey so many emotions, questions, wishes, and frustrations.  That is what this disease is:  a world of conflicting emotion that leaves everyone involved in a waiting game where there are so few answers and so many problems
.  I watch my mother and picture this is what she feels, this is what she is thinking...
As I sit here watching the t.v., I question why I am here.  I look over and see my daughter but am unable to express the love I feel for her.  I feel agitated and yet I cannot understand why.  I am glad to see her and even happier to see the movie, but I am scared.  Maybe that is why I act the way I do.  I am scared she will not like the movie I choose and so I cannot make up my mind.  I want to please her but I do not want to break my routine. I choose two or three movies hoping each one will be one that she likes and that I will enjoy.  Each time she puts it in, I see it and remember that I do not want this movie.  I realize that this is the last movie I will see before my "sleeping movie" that I want the best one.  I am so fixated on getting to my movie that I fear everything until that point.  I know that at some point I will take my pill and try to use the bathroom but am unsure when that will come.  I cannot stop thinking about it as the movie plays.  There are so many noises from the tv in the other room, daisy barking at something, Frank talking to Kim as he gets ready to leave, the movie, the air conditioner, and even the people outside.  I do get distracted and find it even harder to concentrate as all these noises surround me.  My mind is so jumbled that the simplest word takes my utmost concentration.  As I sit her thinking about what to tell her, Something distracts me and now I am lost.  I lost my place in my mind and in this world.  This makes me even more nervous. I know that i wanted something, but know not what.  I give up and surrender myself to the screen that is playing in front of me.  I am not into the movie, really my mind is just racing with everything that does not make sense.  Every now and then I can reach out and grab a thought.  yet as soon as I try to share it with her, it resumes its flight away from me.  I try not to think why me, but it happens.  It is easy to find sadness-it does not take a lot to feel it.  I do not have to understand anything, just feel.  To be happy, I must find joy and humor in something.  Jokes hare harder and harder for me to  understand and I often misunderstand what someone is telling me.  The movie is finished and now i am completely nervous.  I know that I sleep alone, what if I fall off the bed, or cannot find Frank.  This makes me so upset and so frightful.  How long will I have to sit screaming before he can hear me with his hearing difficulties.  How will I go to the bathroom or get a drink.  my daughter tells me to go to the bathroom and I feel like I have to but do not know.  I try to walk but my legs do not listen to my brain anymore.  I sort of shuffle-it is hard and painful to life my legs, my muscles quiver and are not used to such  exercise.  I am forgetting what I am supposed to do and ask her. I am reminded that it is the bathroom and I continue.  On my  way there, I see so many things that remind me of something I thought of earlier.  I want to stop and tell her about ti but cannot because I must complete this task.  I make it and look at the toilet but it does not look familiar.  It seems so long ago that I knew what to do.  She is telling me to sit and I know that I need to sit.  but how do I do that?  My legs do not want to bed, plus it is scary.  Is there really something there as I bend at my knees.  I do not see it behind me so how do I know that I am not going to just fall down.  I feel her hands guiding me and although they scare me because she pushes me too fast or puts pressure on the areas that need to move, I t helps me realize where i am and what I need to do.  I sit but now what.  I have no idea how to make my body do this one task I have done a million times before.  She distracts me and i am able to go after sitting for a long time.  Without thinking I get up and start to walk back to my bed.  She tells me to sit and this time it is much easier.  I know that I must take my pill and I see the two that she has laid out on the bed.  I cannot remember what to do.  I try to grab one but my fingers do not pinch like they used to.  I fumble with the pill dropping it a few times.  I cannot believe this is my body that is failing me so I blame her for not putting it int he right place.  I finally get it in my hand and give a satisfying "there I knew I had it" Now what.  I hold the pill and she tells me to put it to my mouth. I touch my mouth after putting down the pill and realize that is not right.  she tells me to get the pill and I tel her I did.  I am confused and she is telling me too many things.  What was I doing.  ah yes the pill.  I grab the pill and put it to my mouth with no one to tell me.  I just need time to process my own thoughts and not someone else telling me what to do.  And by time, I mean sometimes minutes not the mere few seconds that people give me and expect me to complete the task of thinking and doing.  I now have  apill in my mouth and need something to drink but have no idea what to do.  A straw is put in my lips and I am told to drink.  Why am I drinking when I need to get rid of this pill.

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