Wednesday, August 10

Still up and thinking

So it is time for me to go to bed and yet I am still up. I just finished my vocational evaluation on a client and was interrupted a few times by my daughter. She was so silly and cute asking questions and giggling uncontrollably. It made me feel so blessed. I asked her if she wanted to go see Gigi and she had some difficult questions. She is so interested in the dying process and finds it fascinating. Her greatest concern is that she gets to be involved. She understands what is happening but deals with it so matter of factly. She tells me that Gigi cannot do anything and will be with God as a new person. So she is happy. She sees the tears fall out of my eyes and asks me why I am crying. I tell her it is because I am sad that she will never know the real Gigi. That she does not get the experiences with her that she should have had. Kenzie (or M.E.-Emmy as she wants to be called-another story on that after this) does not remember Gigi being able to read to her or buy her sooo many things that it was over kill. She does not remember all the games and will never experience my mother's famous food fights. On the flip side she does not remember Gigi's freak outs and will never had to deal with the mental anguish my mother was so good at bestowing on those she loved the most. I could not help but cry.
Tonight I have cried more than I thought possibly. In fact I am sure my mother noticed because she got upset with me for some reason. She actually said "Kim you just don't know." earlier, she was staring at me and I asked her if she knew who I was. She looked at me with this duuuuh look and raised her hand pretending to slap me. Then she said of course. It was quite humorous. She was extremely restless and agitated tonight. She wanted to say so much and couldn't make it come out.. She is in the active phase of death and it is only a matter of time. I don't want her to live like this but I dont want her to go either. I did not think I would be like this. I thought I would either be emotional or strong but it seems that I am neither. I break down in the solitude of the night and I talk like a robot. i am sure to the casual observer I am cold or calculated because not even a tear grazes my eye. People call me crying and I am the one consoling them. It is funny because I do not want to. I do not want to mourn with anyone except to my husband, my mother in law,my dad, my brother, my uncle rico, my uncle skip, my best friend, and my friends Megan and Summer. Why those few-because they have gone through it from the beginning of the end. They stuck by my mom calling daily or weekly or checking in with her. They let her know how much she meant to them and made her feel special and normal. I can open up with them and feel a special connection. They will always have a spot in my heart for what they did. I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart.

About Emmy: Ever since I babysat for Jennifer Gulden, I loved the name M.E (her sister was nicknamed that and I thought it was so unique). When I had a daughter I named her Mackenzie Emma and never realized the initial connection. It wasn't until kenzie was two that i realized Emmy as a nickname but try as I might, she did not like it. Well last week my mother gave Mackenzie this collectors doll and guess the name: Emmy. Mackenzie asked her name and when I told her, she says "that is the name that you liked and it is now my name. I have grown fond of Kenzie and really am having a hard time calling her Emmy-she is not an Emmy so we shall see where this goes. She even went as far as to tell her new school that her name was Emmy not Mackenzie!!!


Anonymous said...

Kim, first and foremost know that you are not alone and you will never be alone..Odd isn"t it that the title of your blog is a "Forgotten Daughter",as you are not a forgotten daughter at all are you? That should be comforting to much as Hospice or anyone can try and prepare you for the death of your mother, they never own experience when my mother passed away is that it was nothing like what I expected, but it was everything it was supposed to be I guess. My prayer to God was that I did not want her to be alone when she passed and she wasn"t, I was there holding her hand which also allowed me to see such a peaceful look wash over her face as she took her last breath. That bond that you"ve had with your mom all your life will never be broken, even long after she is gone, the bond will always be there..My prayer for you is the same, and I pray that God gives you the strength to get through this with a peace for yourself as well...Debbie (Maine)

Jim Booksh said...

Kim, I was married to the love of my life for 58 years prior to losing her to Alzheimer's in 2006. Your words resonate with me in a way I can't begin to explain. I wrote a memoir, "My Life With Rita", as a tribute to her. I think you might find tremendous comfort in it, as I wrote it for other family members and caretakers in the same boat I was in. Please stay positive!

Jim Booksh

Anonymous said...

You did your very best to care for your mother, and your love of your family is apparent. The love never ends....

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