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Wednesday, November 24

Why am I still up?

I am very sleepy and yet I feel this strange compulsion to torture myself and write my blog. I know that if I do not write tonight, the feelings and emotions will pass and I will not have a record of it.  I contemplate ending my blog when I actually realize that my personal life is being broadcast over the Internet and sometimes what I write is misconstrued.  But then I remember that I wrote journals all of my life and stopped when I had children.  I have years upon years of memories that I can open at anytime until the birth of my children. Sure I have journals that I wrote in once every five months to say that my children were growing and I would go into detail in the morning. The funny thing is when morning came, a million other things popped up and I forgot.  With my blog, I feel obligated sometimes to right and therefore I do.  I put it on my to do list and as with all my lists, I feel the need to cross it off.  It is also easier to tell people who want to know how my mom is doing to check my blog.  Every conversation, every person, every instance my mother comes up into the topic.  I visit with my dad or brother and guess what-we talk about mom.  I go to visit friends, they ask about my mom. There is another life out there that I forget sometimes-a world that does not involve my mother.  My dad and I talked the other day and he said something that really made me think.  He mentioned how sometimes he does not know how the children are doing or what they are doing, how my life is going.  It was then that I realized our convo's are discussions about mom's meds, her appointments, what he has to do that day before going home to mom's, how to break the death of a love one to her, how to plan our trips around her, how to figure out Thanksgiving-everything has to be figured out and discussed.  That leaves little room for how Mackenzie is doing well on the violin at four years and her instructor never takes children under 6.  How Connor is reading 10+ words at the age of 2.  How both my children are always sick with some cold or some illness -like right now both have bronchitis. How I am now working at a job that pays less then 10 dollars an hour in between the rest of my daily tasks.  I look at the craziness of my life and I realize that some how something must change but I cannot see how.  I cannot make my mother well, I cannot give us more hours in the day, I cannot make my children well, I cannot make people give money to Works in faith so that my hubby or myself can get a paycheck,  I cannot turn my back on what God has called us to do. But I can do it all gracefully and feel blessed that my husband is willing to do what God has called him to do no matter the cost, that I have a brother who is working hard to finish his degree and take care of his mother while cementing a bond that few siblings will ever have the pleasure of knowing, a dad that has provided for his children, his wife, and multiple others and is always willing to help, two amazing and quirky children that can brighten up the worst of days and energize me when I feel depleted, an education that one day will bring me some financial stability, and a Lord and Savior that has given me the gift of eternity. So tomorrow when I crawl out of bed at 5:15 to drive to a job where I will sit at a computer for three hours creating accounts only to leave there to visit an elderly woman briefly on my way home where I can pick up my two children and my friend to drive her to the airport an hour and a half away then come home to prepare thanksgiving dinner, complete my graduate portfolio of 100+assignments, finish two case studys, prepare the books for Works in Faith, and spend some time with my hubby, I will use the strength of God to put a perma smile on my face praise God for the wonderful day and Thank him for all that I Do have, and whistle while I work.  Sorry for the rant but I think I am in need of some pity :)

So tonight-ah tonight what a wonderfully awful experience.  Yet again we had another death-this time my dear sweet Great Aunt that is such an amazing woman.  Or was such an amazing woman.  I contemplated how to break the news to my mother.  With my uncle, we were prepared for it-it doesn't make it easier to grieve but it was expected.  My aunt was completely unexpected.  Since my grandmother's death, my mom has clung to Aunt Irene and felt slightly connected to her mother.  Of all the people, both friends and family, my aunt and uncle continued to love my mother and stay connected.  They never made my mother feel unwanted or a burden.  despite having surgery, my aunt drove just a month ago to visit my mother at a restaurant to spend time with her.  Watching everyone in my mother's life disappear, I was amazed that these two stuck around.  They tolerated her rants, her behaviors, her love, her late calls-they accepted her unconditionally and for that I am grateful.  My aunt was so spectacular and I feel a heavy heart tonight.  I will miss her terribly because I feel she is the only one that truly cared what happened to my mother. She did not turn her back and pretend that this ugly thing was not happening to my mother.  she dealt with it full on and I will always admire such  an unbelievable woman.  Well the amazing thing about it, my mother handled the news well-she cried as any other would and we looked through pictures and shared some memories.  She said her aunt told her she was dying the last time they saw each other and I guess my mother believed her and prepared herself mentally for it.
After that, we picked out a movie and started to watch it.  My mother is incapable of doing much of anything now and is having incontinence and difficulties with all her tasks.  She went to use the bathroom and actually sat on the toilet with all her clothes on.  I tried to tell her to pull down her pants and dainties, but she started to get upset with me.  It took her twenty minutes to figure out what was wrong and to pull down her clothes.  She can do no more self help skills at all-no brushing teeth, washing hands, wiping, etc.  She cannot hang up her shirts, get clothing in and out of the dryer/washer, talk on the phone, and sometimes she has a hard time understanding one step directions.  Her communication is getting to the point where I cannot tell what she is saying and she is forgetting things left and right.  I just realized that it is getting very very late and so with that I will end and say thanks for lett ing me vent.

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