Wednesday, November 17

I hate this

Today was an awful day - a day I felt like screaming this is not fair.  Make it go away.  I hate this disease and want to to disappear and have my mom return to me. Watching my mom the past few days has tugged at strings I did not know existed in my heart. She has become such a zombie from this medicine-there is a cycle.  I have this risperdone down to a T-day 1, 2, & 3 wonderful happy mom no anxiety cheerful, friendly, jokes around.. Day 4 slowly zombified talking slower, losing focus more, loss of directionality or functionaility.  Day 5 loses the ability to run the DVD player and by day 7 we want to pull her off it. Today is day 7 and of course I want her off now! I looked up the drug tonight and hated what I read. This drug can hasten death with a person with dementia-there are so many side effects and things that I hate about it.  I do know that she is better to control and direct.  During the day she is happier and funnier.  She is gaining weight and eating more.  Battles are not quite as bad in fact she lets us have more control all the time.  But she is aware-she knows that she cannot hold a conversation at all, that word retrieval is almost nonexistent.  She is aware that she cannot recognize common objects, cannot work the tv or dvd, cannot understand why the ac blows and makes her cold but off and she is completely on fire.  The biggest pain is that she is aware of the grandmother she could have been and the grandmother that she is.  Just thinking about that makes me tear up.  She would have been an amazing grandmother. I picture movie nights once aweek with Kenzie sleeping over.  The two of them laughing and teasing each other while my mom does her hair, nails, and makeup.  Then out comes the video camera that mom always used to get to tape someone singing and dancing. Finally, there would be my mom, ending the night with her own renditions singing sweet Kenzie to sleep or telling her stories.  So many could have beens that will never be.  Instead, I watch this strong woman that had control of everyone and everything become decrepit and an empty shell unable to process a single thought.  Tonight I miss my mom and want her back. 


Jazzie Casas said...

Hi there I am one of many single moms and I find your site very interesting. I hope I have much time each day to drop by and check your site for recent post. By the way thank you for sharing this.

Debbie said...

Oh my, there were many times I felt the same as your feeling right now. My mother lived in the state of confusion for 12 years before she passed away on Christmas Eve last year. She was gentle as a lamb through this whole ordeal..I must tell you there were times I would look into her eyes and I would see a sorrow greater than my own...may God give you the strength you need to cope..

Anonymous said...

You have described what tares us all apart and makes us grieve. You want your mother back. I want my husband back. And neither of us is going to get what we want.

Kimberly said...

Jazzie thank you so much for your interest. Debbie I am sorry for her passing. It is a horrible disease that every so often gets ahold of me. The bizarre thing is as I wrote this, I feel no emotion...I wrote from my heart and yet my brain kept me in check. Very surreal feeling.
To anonymous: You are so right-we will never get them back and we must all grieve in our own way. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your spouse. I watch my father go through it and know that his pain must be greater because he is losing his second half. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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