I hate this

Today was an awful day - a day I felt like screaming this is not fair.  Make it go away.  I hate this disease and want to to disappear and have my mom return to me. Watching my mom the past few days has tugged at strings I did not know existed in my heart. She has become such a zombie from this medicine-there is a cycle.  I have this risperdone down to a T-day 1, 2, & 3 wonderful happy mom no anxiety cheerful, friendly, jokes around.. Day 4 slowly zombified talking slower, losing focus more, loss of directionality or functionaility.  Day 5 loses the ability to run the DVD player and by day 7 we want to pull her off it. Today is day 7 and of course I want her off now! I looked up the drug tonight and hated what I read. This drug can hasten death with a person with dementia-there are so many side effects and things that I hate about it.  I do know that she is better to control and direct.  During the day she is happier and funnier.  She is gaining weight and eating more.  Battles are not quite as bad in fact she lets us have more control all the time.  But she is aware-she knows that she cannot hold a conversation at all, that word retrieval is almost nonexistent.  She is aware that she cannot recognize common objects, cannot work the tv or dvd, cannot understand why the ac blows and makes her cold but off and she is completely on fire.  The biggest pain is that she is aware of the grandmother she could have been and the grandmother that she is.  Just thinking about that makes me tear up.  She would have been an amazing grandmother. I picture movie nights once aweek with Kenzie sleeping over.  The two of them laughing and teasing each other while my mom does her hair, nails, and makeup.  Then out comes the video camera that mom always used to get to tape someone singing and dancing. Finally, there would be my mom, ending the night with her own renditions singing sweet Kenzie to sleep or telling her stories.  So many could have beens that will never be.  Instead, I watch this strong woman that had control of everyone and everything become decrepit and an empty shell unable to process a single thought.  Tonight I miss my mom and want her back.