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Friday, April 20

Clarification

I feel as I should explain a few things to put my blog in perspective.  As a litte girl, I constantly wrote in my diary and that continued as an adult.  The one thing my mother used to tell me is that my diaries were so depressing and it seemed that I was so sad.  I usually love to write when I am feeling extreme emotions.  I let my emotions write for me, that is why I never check over what I write. When I started this blog, it was a way for me to keep track of my mother and let others feel what I am feeling.  While those feelings are constantly changing, I wanted people to see the true feelings. Rather than lie and make people think all is ok, I wanted them to see the real struggles, thoughts, feelings, and difficulties as well as the joys and pleasantries that we received.  By never rereading what I wrote, it made it easier to say what I felt at that moment.  Do I feel this way all the time-Goodness no if I did I would be a horrible mother, wife, sister, brother, friend.  Rarely do I display sadness and even more rare is it shown in front of others.  Which is why I write....at night....late night....when the pitter patter of children have disappeared and the house is completely quiet.  Well as quiet as our house on a busy street can be.  I open up my lap top and let the words tumble out faster than I can type.  I let myself feel and grieve which may be why my emotions are so strong.  So  I thought I should blog once duirng the day while the screams of laughter echo through the rooms and my children jump up asking what I am doing.  While the bird screeches at me for attention and the door knocks for the eleventh time today.  I wish I could say that my life became less busy but that is not the case.  Yes school is done for me (I am thinkin of going back for more lol) and my mother is no longer here. But I am consumed with my teen parents, my young adults, my children, our new house, our non profit, spendin time with my father and brother, visitin our widows, and whatever else God throws my way.  I do not disclose all that I do because it would make your head spin but it is enjoyable, adventerous, and always fills me with peace.  I am happier, less worried, and generally calmer in the last two years than at any moment in my life before.  But I also went through a lot with my mother and it affected me in regards to my previous relationships.  I am praying that I let the past go and move on.  I have had some people come to me and apologize for not being there  and I have forgiven them.  It is just hard to rebuild the relationship or restore it because all I am thinking is what if it happens to me.  Will I be forgotten too. I am quite blessed with amazing friends, fantastic children, a strong and phenominal brother, my courageious father, my supportive and wise husband, and a Heavenly Father that directs my life the way He sees fit.  I stubble often but He is there to put me back on track.  It is for Him that I live and I forget that sometimes.  I grieve but if you were to see me and meet with me, you would find that it is not as I blog it.  Picture your grief and picture your worse moment.  THat is when I write.  So please do not think of me as this person consumed with sadness that my life has no meaning or that I cannot function.  I will remember this when I write and curtail the strenght of my emotion as I write. 

One last amazing blessing that has occurred in my life.  My brother has become part of our team again and the awesome threesome is back!!!

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