Sunday, February 26

So hard

So I have disappeared for some time and for that I am sorry.  I had no words to really describe what I was going through because it was mostly an inward thing.  I am so bad about sharing my feelings and I do not like to cry in front of others.  It would be in the wee hours of the morning that I would release my tears and let them fall like the rainfall of a heavy thunderstorm.How can you express the feeling of complete and utter confusiona, sadness, heartache, and longing.  How can you convey the emptiness that you feel when you look for someone and they are not there.  Every day flies by and I continue my role as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, mentor, and confidant but do not let that fool you.  My heart burns with the desire to see my mother one last time, to hear her singing some sweet melody, even to hear her scream at me and destroy me with her words.  Anything would be better than the silence that surrounds us. 

I stay busy not necessarily by choice but by design.  I find that I actually do not have time to mourn my mother.  In so much of what I do, I see her and hear her.  Yet I cannot give more than a few moments or I am surrounded by sadness.  I detach my heart from my brain and flounder one.  News like they are so close to a cure destroys me and sends me spiraling down.  I guess I am in shock of it all, like it really is not true and any moment she will jump out and say just kidding.  Some crazy new practical joke like she liked to play.  And then reality hits in and I see the last night with her gasping for breath.  I remember seeing the numbers of her blood pressure and the temperature reading of 105.5.  I remember seeing so much from that night and next day that I cannot excape it. 

I still find joy and laughter, smiling often and enjoying moments with my friends and family, but htere is this hollow feeling that always is in the background.  When the children accomploish something or I want advice, I find myself wishing I could call her and talk it out.  That is something that women are good at because it just isn't the same with men.  I try to talk with my hubby, my brother, my father, and they all say the same thing-they dont care for the details or every tidbit of information.  In fact they find it kinda annoying.  So I keep things to myself.  Where as with a woman-especially my mother, she wants you to paint the picture and give every detail possible.  Daily accomplishments that I do or my kids do are shared with only my mother in law now when she can.  Over the years, I have lost some close friends-those friends that you build so many memories with you can finish each others sentences.  With Mom gone, I mourn the loss of those friends as well because as an adult, it gets harder to find friends that you hang with like you did in high school or college.  There are less opportunities to build memories and close relationships.  I lose the ability to talk freely and open up with newer friends. 

It is in the times such as this with all the family around that makes this so difficult.  I have not broken like this in so long but Man I miss her.  She should be here to see everyone and be a part of this.  Mom, I love you somuch and wish for just a few moments I could holdyou again.


Starling said...

One thing that you are missing is the companionship of women friends, who do understand. I get how much you miss woman to woman contact even though I'm much older than you are, because I missed it as well for most of my life.

But truly, you know that you did not have that connection with your mother for most of the last 5 years of her life, and possibly longer than that.

You are mourning and mourning hurts, but if you do the work you will come out the other side of the tunnel. If you let yourself.

Anonymous said...

I come back and check to see if you have posted anything lately. Our mothers died around the same time. I dreamed of her the other night. That was the first time and she felt so real. It has shaken me. I to have tried to keep myself super busy so I do not have time to think.

Anonymous said...

Guilt is alive and well, not to be released anytime soon. Forgive US for we did not understand.

Kimberly said...

Starling-you are right-I do miss the womanly advice and conversation. Unbelievably I did have it with my mother. The conversations I had with her were surprisingly rational-I tribute it to her having hippocapus sparing alz.
To anonymous: I am trying to forgive and rid myself of bitterness that I feel. I just keep seeing her cry asking why everyone abandoned her. I do not want guilt to be there but more the hope that this will create a change in some to be there no matter the circumstance.

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