missing

it has been a strange few weeks...to think that this Friday marks three weeks since my mother has passed. It is so indescribably so utterly difficult to explain the loss of someone you love. There are moments when it is simple and not troubling, almost that life is still fantastic. You stop thinking about the person and start embracing the freedom that not caregiving gives you. You relish the moments and the time that you have gained and thank God that everything is still continuing on. But then a simple trigger, a music box, a light in the mirror, making a bed a certain way and BAM, the tears flow, the memories come and the empty saddness envelopes your brain, heart, and soul. You beg for one more chance to see them, you crave the smell, your body longs just to hold them. There is no peace no satiating the pain that comes.

Yes I feel free, I am able to enjoy my children and my husband. I have less stress (althhough since mom passed, my children are continously sick with strep, flu, and who knows what else). I get more sleep and spend more time doing recreational things. But I miss those nightly visits with my mom. I miss our convos. I miss having her there.

I go to my daughter's school for Grandparents day and I see all the grandmothers wondering why my mom did not get to enjoy this special day. I try to find peace by reminding myself of the struggles my mother represented and the difficulties she created, but that only brings guilt. I should not think of my mother in such a bad way. I am a realist however and think about the wonderful personality of my mother but never want to remember a false woman. SHe was full of life, she lived in extremes. When she loved you, there was no greater feeling; but woe to the person she was angry with. She could make you an 1nch tall in less than 5 seconds with her tongue. She was not a woman you triffled with. Her passing gave us all freedom, but this freedom (like all freedom) came a such a cost. I miss her.

Love

I have been blessed with such amazing friends that have helped me with dinner this entire week-strange that I have no desire to eat, a similar feeling shared by my father and brother. It has been rather an up and down battle for us. I was surprised at how well I was doing-only a few minor blimps with an occasional tearing up. It wasn't until my cousin sent me a bunch of memories that I let loose (which for me is really just a slight cry). It felt good to relive some of the memories and I was amazed at the detail and description of my mother from his eye. Of all the thoughtful things that people have done for me, this topped it. Just hearing about her and thinking about her brought such happiness followed by those tears. losing someone like my mother or anyone's loved one, leaves such a pit in your stomach. It is indescribable-just a feeling of emptiness that you try to fill but I cannot pour enough back into it to make it whole again. The memories help but it is still empty. I miss her more than I thought and am thankful for the videos. T hey will be a comfort to watch and see my mom once again.