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Friday, August 13

movie night canceled

The past few days has been rather difficult and I cannot really describe what has happened. My mom has been crazy since she has taken herself off of risperdole.  The only positive thing in all this is that she can speak better and has some emotions.  The negative thing is that most of her emotions are horrible.  We thought that she was losing her abilities based on the medicine, but we are realizing that is not the case.  It just seemed so because she could not communicate well. 
After yesterdays fiasco, I realize that I cannot even help with my mother like I used to.  I want to relieve some stress from my dad and I cannot.  It makes me feel useless sometimes.  Yesterday, I ran up there because she was on the phone screaming and crying without any words.  I tried to call her back and so did my brother but we could not get through.  Finally, she called again hysterical and still not talking.  I get to her house and leave the children in the van as I run in the house to see what is happening.  She is standing with her mouth open just screaming ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  The T.V. is on and fuzzy-it was on channel 2 instead of 3 so the picture was not clear.  Every ten seconds a loud brrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound would come across the T.V.  I put the T.V. right and she starts yelling about being left alone all the time.  Now my brother left at four and my dad would be home at 6.  In this time, she completely lost it because the T.V. messed up.  She did not know how to turn it off or turn it down.  She fixated on it the entire time it was messed up.  I try to explain to her that she has to calm down so I can bring the children in or I will have to leave because I cannot leave the children in the car alone.  She freaks out and tells me to go.  She walks out of the house and starts heading down the street.  I follow her with the van but she will not.  So I follow her trying to reason with her.  I get her to head back to the house and she was calmed down enough to bring the children in.  As soon as my father got home, she started all over again and I had to go with the children.  I realized that the days of letting the children play or be with Gigi are over.  Whenever I  visit or help with the children there, it always causes some sort of difficulties.  I cannot predict how Mackenzie will react or what she will say or do that may upset Gigi or what Gigi may say or do in front of the children.  My mom is no longer able to control herself enough to be with the children.  That makes me very sad to realize this. 
Last night Mom was rather upset with me that she cried all night long because of me telling her about the kids in the car and not staying with her.  She called me at one to yell at me and cuss me out.  She woke dad up after and kept him up for quite awhile yelling about me.  She never went to bed-this makes two nights with no sleep.  Today, she has been awful just crying, screaming, and completely out of her head.  The disease has taken another step downward.  She cannot manage the locks on the doors, she drops things constantly, she cannot sit right on the toilet and must have a toilet seat modification.  Her sensitivity is insane-she feels the slightest pain-her nails bug her and she tries to cut them completely off, her eyelashes cause her difficulty, her clothing hurt her, etc.  She cannot wipe herself or do any personal care (deodorant, brushing teeth, brushing hair, getting dressed).  She no longer can figure out dvd's volume control or any buttons on her remotes.  She cannot stand the air on or off and is completely obsessed with it.  She has no more pride or even vanity left which is the biggest change ever.  For my mom to walk around the neighbor hood with slippers, no teeth, and pajama's is so bizarre. Following one step directions is not possible anymore and she has difficulty comprehending what I am saying to her.  She is able to retain her ability to communicate and her perceived reality.
Well,  Kevin has headed up  there after his internship to help dad get a break.  I feel so bad for Kevin-it was his day off sortof.  I wish I could still help and am thinking I may have to hire a babysitter once a week so I can help them out.  I do not like seeing them having to do it all and I wish I could share the burden.  I realize that it is not the disease that bothers me as much as feeling that I cannot help enough.  My children and family come first but it is hard to watch the responsibility fall to my father and brother.  Keep them in your prayers!!!

6 comments:

dad said...

Kim...You sometimes forget that mom is MY responsibility. I really appreciate your help and Kevin's, but the ultimate problem is mine. So do not ever think that you are not doing enough. You do so much more than anyone, and certainly more than you should. So, please..no guilt about not helping enough. You do more than you realize, and I have become so dependent on your help/. You are doing your best, and that is more than I deserve....thanks

Daughter said...

Oh Kimberly! ((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry for your pain. This is awful.

You are right, you can't take the children anymore. My prayers are with you- I wish I could help.

Please take care of yourself.

Kimberly said...

Hey dad hate to tell you that mom is Our responsibility. We share the problem of her care and we are fortunate that we do. Just as you must take care of your mother, Kev and I must take care of ours. I will try not to feel guilty, but it goes against my very nature when I cannmot solve the problem. Although I do have a new plan. Maybe a babsitter once a week so at least I can take a day shift!! If you are nice I will let you pay for it hahaha

Anonymous said...

My dear friends, on the alz/dementia list, it is said that "I tried to explain to her..." is the saddest phrase of all. The reason button is broken and explaining does nothing but frustrate you.

PLEAASE try to get her back on meds to calm her down, for all your sakes. Better living through chemistry!!

Clare

Kimberly said...

Clare-trying trust me. It is virtually impossible to make her do anything that she does not want to do. She is still able to use a trump card...If you do this than I do that. In fact, she knows enough of her condition to make the threat plausible. The bizarre thing with my mother is her memory is unbelievable. The PET scans show the areas of deterioration and ironically, her long term and short term are just starting to be affected. It seems that every other area is going except her memory. Unbelievable, sometimes explainations calm her down. She begs us to explain to her why and how. She expresses her frustration at not understanding. That is the hardest part for us-she wants so bad to understand and she never forgets what is happening to her. You are right though-her reasoning is completely shot and diluted and it is hard not to remember not to reason. With her, she will not let go until she gains an understanding that is pleasing.

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